But I know that’s not what you guys really want – you’re in it for the horror stories.  Here it is, my top worst first dates ever.

1.  Going to an AA meeting.  I’m not kidding.  Seriously.  And what’s worse, it wasn’t supposed to be a date.  He invited me to give a talk to his group, and I was delighted to provide, but I did not completely grasp that 1) he was still in the “desperate to stay sober” stage and that 2) “can I buy you dinner” when we were done constituted a “date”.  He called me the next week to find out when we could go on our “next date”, and I had to shut that down really, really fast.

2. Planning a complex “surprise date” after minimal communication.  In this case, we met at a chain restaurant (which was already kind of meh for me), but then he said this wasn’t our “real date”.  Yes, I know I should have followed him in my car, but he said the next part was “just over those buildings”.  I thought he meant the shopping center.  It turns out he meant downtown.  The big surprise was games and beer at an indoor amusement park (which, if you know me, is monumentally D-U-M), and after trouncing me at games I had no experience with, he had the gall to get irritated with me when I trounced him back at Laser Tag.

3. Taking you to the same place he/she haunted with the ex.  This is generally always a bad move, no matter what, but the awkward happens when your date tells you that they went there all the time.  The awkward gets really, really bad when people that knew them as a couple come up and start talking to your date, often as part of an obvious action of ignoring your presence.  The awkward gets turned up to “what the hell was I thinking” when people that knew them as a couple come up and want to know what kind of a tart/whore/slut/loser it is that the date is seeing now.

4. Taking you to the same place that he/she takes all other first dates.  There is something of a difference between going out on a first date and only first-dating.  First-dating is kind of serial monogamy except often without the sex (theoretically).  Those are the folks that really aren’t going to open up and connect with anyone, so they will go out with any given person only once with no intention of a second date before it begins.  And if you find yourself hanging with a first-dater at the same place they take every other first date… let’s just say that the experience I had with this one was at once awkward, embarrassing, and slightly degrading.  Nothing is more dehumanizing than a waitress who knows what your date is going to order ahead of time, and asks what his girl “this week” wants.

There’s a caveat to this one that I should probably explain.  When you’re starting out or heading back out into the online dating world, you’re going to go on a lot of first dates.  I mean, a LOT.  Much of it is meant to be a learning experience, to figure out who you’re comfortable with and how you’ve changed and what you’re really into these days.  There’s no shame in going out with someone and then discovering that they aren’t really your cuppa.  If you’re using a non-metric-based site (Plenty of Fish instead of OKCupid, for instance), you’re liable to go on a lot more first dates before you find someone that you’re totally compatible with – and that’s okay.

To the men out there, I recommend you make sure that you budget for such things and don’t commit yourself to more dates than you can afford because we are still living in a patriarchy that will expect you to pay for the whole date.

To the women out there, I recommend you have a little cash on hand, just in case things get weird, so that you can bow out gracefully without being accused of being “in it for the free meal”.  (This is the last-ditch accusation of a hurt ego.  It doesn’t mean anything about you personally, but I suggest covering your ass.)

To BOTH men and women, there’s always a little awkwardness about protocol on the first date meal, so let me share this with you:  The payer (usually the man, but not always) orders FIRST, usually something in the mid-range prices on the menu.  The guest (again, usually the woman, but not always) THEN orders something of equal or lesser price.  Deference is given to the payer for things like appetizers and bottles of wine and dessert.

I bring this up to bridge the way between the last terrible date and the next one:

5. The Surprise Dutch Date.  For those who might not know, “going Dutch” means that each person in a party pays for their own meal.  This is not entirely uncommon, but it’s generally accepted that the initiator of the date will mention something to that effect, either because of budgetary constraints or something else.  In my case, I followed the protocol, kept with the system, and then when it came time to get the check, I politely waited for him to look at it first.  And I waited.  Then he got a hint or something and looked at it, then he put a carefully calculated amount of cash in the folder and handed it to me.  ”You’ve got yours, right?”

Frankly, I was offended because it was dishonest and broke with tradition – and he was advertised as a “traditional guy” who “opened doors” and “walked next to the street”.  His statement to defend his action was, “Well, you said you were a feminist.”  I never said I was a feminist, I said I was an independent single mom.  ”I figured you’d want to pull your own weight.”  My own weight?  Really?  ”Well, it’s not like you were going to fuck me or anything.”

You will all be very, very proud of me.  I paid my part of it, told him good-bye without preable, and walked out.  And I swear, I still don’t know where he or his car is, I had absolutely nothing to do with any of it, my alibi is air-tight.

No, it’s not a new car.  I’m finally getting into sales proper, selling cars.

Yes, I know, it seems like such an odd thing to do, but I have this crazy bohemian lifestyle thing going on, and many, many high-maintenance addictions.  There’s food, for instance.  I like to eat as much as three or four times a day!  And I’ve become so dehumanized that I even like sleeping indoors on most days, with air conditioning.

It’s insane the way my life has devolved into a shadow of its former carefree ways.  I know I fell in with a bad crowd when I stopped sleeping in trees and on park benches, but what’s worse is that I’ve even been a bad influence on my offspring, and they get downright dangerous if they don’t have access to things like running water.

Enough kidding aside, I’ve been trying like mad to get just about any decent-paying job I could, and this was literally the very best of the lot.  Yes, I have all the customer service and community management experience a person could ask for, but I can’t really afford to only make $18K a year doing it.

(Let me get this straight.  You’re putting me in Customer Service and expecting me to make your paying customers happy, keeping your business going, generating your revenue and profit, sometimes despite your crappy product, but you’re only going to pay me $10 an hour to do it?  Without any chance of advancement or raises within the first two years?  And no benefits because I’ll be considered a contractor?  Ooo, where’s your pen?  Let me sign with my “official” signature.  Yes, it does bear a striking resemblance to “here’s where you can kiss my ass”… that’s my Christian name.)

I’m sure I had to have mentioned this before, but I’ve noticed that for me (and I’m sure for billions of other people), when it rains, it pours.  This applies to the bad times and the good times.

The Bad:  In the last couple of weeks, Daniel decided that sleep was for wussies, so he’s been consistently sleep-deprived.  He started going off of one of his medications too fast – without the replacement medication strong enough to replace it – and he had to go to the ER via ambulance because of seizures that would not stop.  Then he got a spot of food poisoning, developed a nasty cough, and that turned into asthmatic-style bronchitis, so now he’s on a nebulizer every few hours.  Oh, and I didn’t take the job that I’d been waiting to start for a month (which meant not looking for work) because I found out that there was a high likelihood of getting screwed over, and they kinda neglected to mention at first that it was door-to-door sales.

Guess what I’m not ever going to do?

The Good: It seems that Daniel’s seizures are stabilizing somewhat, and we’ve gone from four or five major seizures a day to only one every few days.  There are still plenty of little ones, but they’re not a big deal.  Also, I applied for this new job on Monday, got a callback on it in about a half an hour, interviewed on Tuesday, peed in a cup on Wednesday, and I start today.  Also also, my Uncle Ronnie and Uncle Lenny found us again after many years lost to us, and we’ve started the long process of catching up.  Also also also, a new daycare provider literally landed on my doorstep, so kid-care is covered fantastically.  Also also also also, both Miles and Joseph are signed up for Gifted and Talented classes next year, and all three kids brought home straight As.  Also also also also also… the last piece of awesome is something that I’m still a little nervous to mention, so as not to jinx it, but let me at least say, I haz a happee.

And throughout all of this, I’m reminded and amazed at how much the universe conspires to assist me, and at how much things fall apart when I lose touch with my faith.  And since my faith is tied to my ability to express… emotions… shall we say… dating is something that I definitely cannot afford to let fall by the wayside.

yea…. I definitely haz a happee.

……..

Oh, yeah, and if you do need a new car, I’m over at Q Chevrolet Chrysler Jeep Dodge in Irving at I-183 and Carl Rd. ^_^

The downside is that I probably won’t be able to maintain my incredibly aggressive posting schedule as I have been the last couple of weeks, but I can say that I will make at least one post per week.  I hope.

I present to you…

The Top Best First Date Moves

You’ve made a connection and now it’s time to meet face-to-face.  This is a point of especial stress for many people – men and women both – because it’s so hard to know exactly what’s going to impress a potential friend/lover/mate/etc.  Here are some of my favorite first date scenarios.  (Tune in next Friday for the Top Worst Moves to make.)

1. Meals are always nice, but choosing a restaurant that caters to dietary restrictions is always a major double-awesome plus.  For me, this matters a lot because I don’t eat wheat as much as possible.  Having to risk a few doses too close together could endanger my ability to not strangle people spontaneously.  I was invited out to a tapas restaurant back when my anti-wheat stance was more voluntary than health-related, and the date included fantastic and interesting food as well as a night free from complications.

2. Scheduling a first date fairly early in the day with nothing on the other side is actually one of those incredibly considerate and pragmatic things.  Especial on a first date – and especially for people who are actively dating around, looking for the right chemistry – time matters.  If things go well, you can extend a weekend lunch date into an evening date.  If things don’t go well, you can always come up with something else to do that night.  Your entire day is not spent, either way.

3. The language of roses and/or flowers is a total smarty-pants move that can impress the heck out of a person.  Taking a little time to perhaps research and arrange a small bouquet based on what you’ve already gleaned from the person can create a point of conversation before you ever get there.

4. Talking on the phone first is, for me, kind of a prerequisite to going on a date.  For me, the very, very best dates (even if they didn’t lead to anything romantic or permanent) involved continuing a conversation started on the phone and carried into real life.  Double-awesome points for choosing a location that either 1) enables a lot of conversation or 2) ties in with the conversation that you’ve already had, such as meeting at the Balcony Club after agreeing that jazz is the bomb, or doing an afternoon art walk to bargain-shop.

5. Pick a spot that has a little potential for variety.  My very favorite first dates have always been the ones where there is more to do than just sitting in a single location.  We start off in a restaurant for some lunch or dinner, then walk around the neighborhood or catch a street show.  Cocktails later with more conversation is always nice, or if we feel comfortable enough, a small concert or perhaps a movie.

6. Dress a step higher than what you think might be common attire, no matter where you’re going.  Casual fare?  Wear nice jeans, jewelry, the suave shoes, etc.  A dressy restaurant?  Make sure to spritz a little cologne.  The opera?  Break out the Fancy Shoes.  (Actually, I’d never, ever go to the opera on a first date.  See my mouse-over about movies.)   The point is to dress to impress without automatically deferring to the suit-and-tie (unless that’s just your thing.)  A proper lady is impressed by a man who knows how to dress and carry himself with a sense of style, and a real gentleman knows how to appreciate a lady who can subtly outshine every other female in the room.

Overall, the best advice I can offer for first dates are these:

• Communicate beforehand and figure out what you have in common, then narrow your choices to things that you’ll both like.
• Pick out a nice neutral location that is not too close to either of your homes (just in case), and meet up there.
• Picking someone up in your car for a first date (unless you were set up by your sister) is not just passe but also sometimes dangerous – both for the driver and the passenger.
• Make sure that someone knows where you’re going and who you’re going with.
• Relax and be yourself!  Remember that if you’ve been honest, they already like you to some extent or else they wouldn’t be going out with you.

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Have a great time, and feel free to comment and tell me about your best dates!

How and when to use the block button!

I know that a lot of people have issues with the block button.  The ones who have been in abusive relationships will tend to “sit on it” or “think it over” and then decide that whatever made them think of blocking an abusive user probably wasn’t that bad.  Then there are those (often also the victims of abuse) who will hit the block button on anyone who misuses an Oxford comma or seems to be thinking about considering something inappropriate.

Allow me to clear a few things up.  First of all, the Block button is there both for your protection and to save you time.  Most of the time, someone who is blocked may think they’re sending you a message, but they won’t see it.  Also, they will generally not show up in your search or local results.  (This is NOT universal – it varies from site to site.)  I have heard rumors of sites that will inform a blocked person that they are blocked, but I have not confirmed this.  (As I get more “insider information”, I’ll let you know.)

The biggest and most important thing I can say about the block button is that it’s a great way to exercise your intuition without having to sacrifice a ride home.  If you feel uncomfortable about someone – perhaps they seem a little vulgar, even after you ask them to mind their language a bit, or they use blatantly manipulative words – block them.

It’s an empowering and amazing thing to do, deleting someone from your potential dating pool.  I will generally give someone an opportunity to become a reasonable person, but I have been known to block someone after my first response to them.  (See yesterday’s post about conversing.)

Avoid the drama

A big part of how and why we use blocking features on online dating sites is to avoid drama and stalking, so here’s where we talk a bit more about what to share and why.

First, if you have kids or any other sensitive family/groups, don’t EVER link to your social media networks from your online dating profile.  This means Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, LinkedIn, tumblr, etc.  You may think that someone couldn’t possibly find you from Spotify or YouTube, but they can.  The spider web of connectivity goes far and wide, even between sites that seem unrelated.  When you have something to protect, be proactive in protecting it.

Don’t use your real name as your screen name.  Seriously.  Even if you don’t have a huge family to worry about, the .001% of the internet population that are the creepers and weirdos will be able to track you down.  In the best case scenario, you’ll be the recipient of countless harassing messages from someone who does not understand that “leave me alone” means them and not some other random stranger.  In the worst case scenario, you just set yourself up to have your identity stolen and abused.

Get out there and make conversation!

There are two ways this happens, and you have to be prepared for both.  The first is that someone happens upon your profile either through their filtered search or through a site suggestion, and they contact you.  The second is that you find someone interesting and you message them.

First contact protocols

Here is how to not get a lot of responses:

“hi babee ur hawt wanna fuk”

“how are you today?”

“wuts yer favrit sex posishun”

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There are multiple problems with these.  First, there’s next to no spellchecking or grammar going on.  Second, there’s nothing attractive or appealing about them.  Third… do I really need to explain more?

Making contact with someone is about initiating a conversation, starting a process of exchange, not about negotiating the price of immediate sexual intercourse.  (Of course, there are some places like that, but we’re talking about dating here, not just hooking up for the night anonymously.)  If someone took the time to write a profile, take the time to read it.  There will be at least a few cues in there about their interests, and if they resonate with you, mention it.  Here are some of the real phrases I’ve used to initiate contact with someone:

“You like BSG, Firefly, and you’ve seen ‘the Man from Earth’?  I bet we could talk for hours.  What did you think about John Oldman in MFE?  Was he making it up, or was he telling the truth?”

“I just had to drop a line and say, I *love* your hat!  You look so dapper in it!  Where were you when that photo was taken?  Is that White Rock Lake?”

“I’ve always thought it was rude to add someone to Favorites and rate them highly without contacting them, so I’m dropping you a note.  I know we’re a couple of states away from each other, but we have so much in common.  It’s not everyday that you run into someone else who has read the entire works of Hakim Bey.”

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See?  And everyone one of those messages started a conversation that went a pretty far distance.  I’ve even been out with two of them.

Before I hear the whining and complaining from the menfolk about how it’s so easy for girls to get responses from guys, pay close attention:  It’s not about getting a response, it’s about establishing a conversation, which is an integral part of recognizing another human as a human.  Ideally, it’s a human that you’re trying to find a relationship with.

How long does your first contact message need to be?  You should probably keep it around a decent paragraph – five sentences or so – with questions and statements both.  Perfectly delightful people have been passed over either because their first contact was a single sentence of no substance or because their first contact was a veritable wall of text that responded to every single statement made in a profile.  In both cases, the intimidation factor is immense because there’s nothing for the responder to work with.

When and how to respond

You’ve received a first-contact from someone, and now the onus is on you to decide how to reply.  I realize that I’m a strange duck because I literally reply to every single message I receive.  That’s not to say I start a full-fledged conversation, but I do reply.

Here’s what happens:  Guy Smiley contacts me, and before I respond, I check out his profile.  Do we have a lot in common?  Is he within my age range?  Is there any kind of underlying manipulative or passive-aggressive language in his essays?  What does he look like?  Would I be crushed under his weight or would we clatter together like a couple of bags of bones?  Does his overall style appeal to me?

If he’s appealing and he’s given me an in (a question or leading statement that is more than a generic compliment), I answer his question with an answer and try to make my response around twice as long as his for very short messages and about the same length as his for longer messages.  The same is true for the opposite gender, and I’ve found that most people naturally respond in about that length to my first contacts as well.

If he’s not appealing to me, I will try to write a polite yet specific statement about why I don’t want to pursue a conversation.  I have said all of the following:

• “I’m sorry, I’m old enough to be your mother.  That may not be a problem for you, but it totally ooks me out beyond reason.”
• “I’m deeply flattered by your advances and I’m sure your cock is significant, but I’m not really interested in that kind of liaison.”
• “I looked through your profile and it seems that we have absolutely nothing in common.  In fact, we’re gauged at over 60% enemies besides the 8% match, and I’ve found that this number pretty accurately reflects what kind of spontaneous conflagration would happen if we occupied the same space for more than five minutes – and I don’t mean that in the good, happy, fun way.”
• “I’m not really sure what language you were using in your message to me, and Google Translate couldn’t figure it out for me.  I’m afraid I’m not quite skilled enough at charades to try a relationship with someone despite a clear language barrier.”
• “Oh, gods, no.  I have no idea what on earth you’ve learned about speaking to other humans, let alone females, and not even getting into the question of the anatomical possibility of such a thing, but your continued singleness is not a mystery.”

And for every one of them – including the last one – I ended the response with “But good luck on your search.”

Every now and again, someone will write back after I’ve sent a considered rejection and thank me for my time, and often they will ask what I felt they could do better.  I try to help where I can, and sometimes it turns into a pretty reasonable friendship – a guarantee that it will go nowhere romantic or even in-person, but at least we can laugh about some funny faux pas we run into.

A final thought

Regardless of the kind of relationship you’re looking for, being polite and respectful will get you a lot further than vulgar and tacky.  Being nice to someone doesn’t cost you anything, and if you’re afraid that even responding a little will cause a problem, there are things like “block” buttons and “report user” links.  We’ll talk more about how to use those later.

Well-written, spell-checked, and grammatically solid posts are dead sexy.

Yes, I know not everyone was a spelling bee champ in grade school, and I know that not everyone can write epic prose at the drop of a hat, and I know that not everyone will be able to move you to tears with the brief description of their yearning heart, begging for the companionship of undying loyalty that they themselves offer selflessly like a forlorn hamadryad or winsome knight…

And really, you don’t have to, but if you can help it, please at least use your words in a readable fashion.

Let’s go over a few of the most common errors:

Commonly Confused Words

You’re and Your

•  “You’re” is a contraction.  It is short for “YOU ARE”.  It is used as both the subject and the predicate/verb of a sentence.
• “Your” is not a contraction, and you can tell because there is no apostrophe.  It is a possessive article and it goes in front of either an adjective or a noun.
• Telling someone “your beautiful” leads to the question, “My beautiful what?”
• Telling someone “I love you’re mind” leads to the question, “WTF?!?”

It’s and Its

Be really, really honest – but don’t tip your hand too much.

This is the tough one because, again, we’re back to finding a careful balance.  If you think you’re going to enjoy the company of those who really get into naked jello knitting, state that clearly.  If you don’t want a permanent relationship or you are looking for the One and Only – say that.  Yes, either way, you’re going to scare some people off – and that’s the idea.

You’re not on a dating site to appeal to every Tom, Dick, and Harriet out there – you’re on a dating site to find someone with whom you have a lot in common, someone to whom you can really relate.

Going back to our previous points, remember to use your section cues to get the point across.  Your “Self-Summary” tells people who you are and the first brief overview of who you are looking for – and why.  Your “What You’re Looking For” (also known as “Message Me If You…”) is where you really discuss that kind of person that you’re looking for.

Now, here is where it gets tricky:  The key to knowing what to be the most up-front about is to prioritize your interests.  This means that if you’ve water-skied a couple of times, but it’s not the main overwhelming passion of your life, you’d probably not want to mention it.  However, if lake scubaing for pirate treasure takes up a significant portion of your free-time, that is definitely something to mention.  Going to a single science fiction convention thirty years ago does not make you a con-rat, but you can mention that you’d go to many more if you had someone fun to accompany you.

Don’t worry about whether or not the non-geeks or non-gamers or non-jocks or non-crafters or non-whatevers don’t understand the references that you make – they are not your target audience.  The people who do know all about those things are going to read your words and find that commonality!  Those are the people you’re talking to!

The same also goes for describing your past and current relationships as well as your family structure.  If you’re a perpetual bachelor with no children and no intention of marriage, this is something to state right up front.  If someone contacts you and starts making with the googly-eyes over the idea of settling down, you can refer them back to your profile where it says “Permanent Fixtures Need Not Apply”.  On the flip-side, if you’re looking for the One-and-Only, you can state that, too – and that should filter out the yahoos going for the longest consecutive string of one-night stands.

There is a caveat to this.  It is a red flag that can be seen from miles and miles away to discuss your previous marriage or long-term relationship in any detail in your profile.  The red flag that it sends up is that you are definitely not past that experience and that you’re still lugging all that baggage around.  I have seen profiles that read like a divorce journal, complete with broken hearts and bared souls, and while I sometimes do want to message them, I also know that that’s going to open a Pandora’s box.  Yes, it’s normal to start dating again as part of the recovery process, especially if the proceedings were gruesome, but you may be taking yourself out of the running for anything serious.  Likewise, if you’re really only looking for the temporary – and knowingly getting into a “rebound” – you’re still not going to appear appealing to anyone because your potential partner will parse your partiality to the previous partner as preferential.

And we all know, that’s never good.  I call it “living with a ghost”, and it sucks.

Finally, I feel that I need to mention something here about making sure that the level of honesty in your profile fits the dating site you’re on.  If you’re on OkCupid, you can generally be pretty open about almost everything, but the general population is fairly vanilla, so you might want to tone down (or code) your mad passion for getting beaten with strawberry Twizzlers while cross-dressing.  Of course, if you want to find a place where someone will beat you with strawberry Twizzlers (and just about anything else you can think of), I highly recommend FetLife.  If you are pretty pedestrian and vanilla, and/or you have the cash to devote to dating sites, you can try eHarmony or Match.Com.  There are also even more specialized sites such as EsoDates for the psychically/spiritually inclined, and then there’s PunkMatch for the other fringier crowd.  In any of these cases, write your profile to match the community and feel, and express the part of yourself that is appropriate to each of them.

Here’s the thing:  You can’t express yourself as a whole person in only 500 words (give or take).  Most people could have a different profile on each of the sites I’ve listed above, each one saying something completely different, and none of them would be dishonest.  We humans are complex, strange creatures, and summarizing us in a single paragraph is completely impossible.

So don’t do it.  Tell enough about yourself to create a “hook”, to start some interest, to click with someone who likes the same things.  Yes, talk about your nightly strolls with your dog while you count stars through the light pollution, but getting into the mathematical significance of such things is a conversation best had in person.  Show off your funny, prepare a list of your top ten favorite books/authors/musicians/movies/political heroes, and then step back.  Leave yourself something to talk about when someone winks at you because they think you’re cute.

The self-summary essay is not an English assignment, it’s the beginning of a conversation.  That’s why it’s important to make sure that what you say is true.

I was also going to expound upon the brilliant and amazing diversity that men carry around in their pants, but my memories kept going back to what some would consider an incredible tragedy in my life.  (Me, I don’t really see it as a tragedy, more like a “cautionary tale”, but everyone has their opinion.)

I speak of the Dick With A Penis (or DWAP to preserve my typing speed.)

DWAP was a round-about online connection through a non-dating channel, but we seemed to have a great deal in common.  I’m a Buddhist – he is, too!  I love math and science – what a coincidence!  I like tall guys on occasion, and he likes petite ladies.  <voice=”sarcasm”>Wow!</voice>

So, we meet for coffee, and it goes well.  He’s an odd looking duck, but there’s just something about him.  We meet again, and it gets very intense, very quickly.  And then, I get poked in the belly button.  From the outside.  Over the top of his pants.

Seriously, hands down (no pun intended), he had the largest willy I think I’ve ever seen, let alone had personal knowledge of.  And he wasn’t a “pounder” but really knew how to use it delicately, which was good because, as we all know, I am not a big woman.

The problem was that the rest of him was not so well developed.  As the three months of our relationship ran its course, and the NRE wore off to show the true colors of what was going on, we were revealed to be completely incompatible and even totally diametrically opposed.  I’m autodidactic, he believed in university training – but reading a book did not equal education in his eyes.  He was a hell of an artist, but couldn’t wrap his brain around the basic legal facts of copyrights.  He “only smoked out for pain relief”, but did it so often – and then other harder drugs on top of it – that when I questioned his alleged non-addiction, it was a tense and uncomfortable and led to a lot of ongoing defensiveness on his part.

The last straw came when he asked for my tutoring in a subject where he had some weaknesses, and when I wanted to assess his level, it became a pissing match with only one of us pissing.  (Hint: it wasn’t me.)  Words were said, manipulations were attempted, feelings were hurt, personhoods were diminished… and then I said, “Wow, you’re really getting to be a jerk.  I don’t think I’m going to talk to you anymore.  Ever.”

Now, rather than go into the specifics of the “he said, she said,” I’d like to identify where each of us made our mistakes.

My Culpability:

My first error was in not doing my homework and in taking him at face value.  (This is, by the way, why I am such a huge fan of online dating.)  I let myself skip over the “me, too’s” without a whole lot of investigation, mostly because I wanted to believe that he was what he said he was.  This is my biggest stupid and has traditionally been my Achilles heel:  I want so much for the partner to be what they say they are that I ignore the multitudinous red flags and indications that it is not as advertised.

This is not the same thing as saying that every person I’ve had this exchange with is lying.  That’s a slightly different action that comes from a place of specific intention.  Rather, the chemistry between two people amplifies parts of a personality, bringing them to the forefront, and in that blissful “wow we really like each other a lot!” phase, we can forget that these resonances do not make up all of us.

His Culpability:

Probably the greatest weakness that DWAP had was his overestimation of his self-concept and self-awareness.  He loved to accuse me of being surrounded by “Yes-Men” when, not surprisingly, that’s more who he was surrounded by.  And with a carefully designed self-perpetuating system of ego-validation, you’re not going to grow very much.  This meant that me pointing out that his pot/drug use was excessive was met with defensiveness and derision since his other friends said that his pot/drug usage was fine.

The second greatest weakness actually comes not from DWAP himself but from our cultural love-hate relationship with penises.  Men gauge so much of their prowess and self-worth on a factor that is, for all intents and purposes, completely beyond their control.  Yes, you can encourage limited growth with continual use (just as not using it leads to a kind of atrophic shrinkage), and you can modify it with piercings and body-mods, but for the most part, you’re pretty much stuck with what genetics gave you.

And yet, the identification of a man’s worth is tied up in his penis.

I suppose that’s similar to the knee-jerk perception that large-breasted women are better nurturers (not an automatic truth, by the way, and only marginally correlative), but the ultimate practice is that believing that a large penis automatically makes someone a better man somehow relieves his responsibility to actually be a better man.  Whether this awareness is conscious or not does not negate the observed relationship between the two.

The Final Analysis:

There is nothing about this relationship that I miss.  I am grateful that I experienced it, but I am more grateful that it was short.  It helped me realize that I really can spot the bullshit, but that I still needed work on trusting my instincts.  It also showed me that there is such a thing as “too much”, and that even fantastic, exciting sex does not diminish the negative impact of a complete and utter dick.

Our next lesson in building a great online dating profile is:

Don’t skimp on the word count.

This one is tough because some sites do limit how many words/characters you can have in a profile, but that just means that you have to make your words count.  It is not ”clever” or “compelling” to say something like, “I don’t know what to write in these damn things, just ask me if you want to know something.”  In fact, it’s an immediate turn-off for most people because that implies that your level of self-awareness is close to nil.  What you’re really saying there is that you are scared of being yourself because you think that no one will like you.

Here’s a secret about potential relationships:  No matter how weird you are, there is always someone willing to accept you.  The big trick is whether or not you accept yourself.  (We’ll get into this more when we talk about Being Honest.)

So, lay it all out there.  If you like competitive hot dog eating, write it out.  You’ve submitted navel-gazing as an Olympic sport?  List it.  You like pina coladas and walks in the rain? … okay, you might want to save that for later since folks might just think you’re being cheesy, even if you really do like that.  But definitely mention that you are single/married/poly/bi/straight/curious, and definitely-twice mention that you are way into scifi/horror/rom-coms/action/fantasy movies, and definitely-thrice mention that you are interested in bottle caps/comic/movies/books/race cars/Transformers/physics/medicine/fried foods, etc.  What makes you tick?  What kinds of conversations do you have?  What are you looking for – Ms/Mr Right, or Ms/Mr Right-Now, or something in between?

On most sites, there are section cues.  Pay attention to them.  “What I’m Doing With My Life” is where you discuss your profession and school, not where you discuss your favorite hobby of synchronized badminton ballet.  (That’s a Self-Summary statement.)  And responding to “The First Thing People Notice About Me” with, “I don’t know, I’ll ask them,” is a cop-out and a very old, bad joke.  Again, this is an exercise in self-awareness.  Think about the questions, imagine if someone were talking to you on the phone or at an interview.  How would you answer them?  As long as you’re not filling in four hours with, “Um… I don’t know… I guess… um… I could… um… maybe they… um…”, write it down and share it.

And if you can manage it, be funny and/or clever.  I can’t count the profiles I’ve messaged just because the writing was superb and humorous.  Never underestimate the power of making someone laugh.  Sure, you might not be a great match in bed, but when you appreciate someone’s humor and they appreciate yours, you might just get a great friend out of it.

For those that freeze up at the idea of writing an essay, try this:  write it like you would say it.  Pretend that you’re answering these questions to a close friend, and just type out what you would say to them.

Friend: “So, what are you up to these days, Georgie?”

You: “Well, I finally decided to take that job at the airport selling mannequin busts.  It’s head-and-shoulders above what I was doing before.”

Friend: “I heard you were back on the dating scene.  How’s that going?”

You:  ”After the Great Lasagna Explosion of ’11, I’ve decided that Italian women aren’t really for me.  What would be awesome is to find a nice little Chinese lady to settle down with.  Wait… potstickers aren’t naturally volatile, are they?”

See?  That’s much more organic (as in, easy to write and to read) than something like:

“I work with dummies and would like to get married and have dinner that doesn’t blow up.”

Don’t be afraid to share it with your friends.  If they give you guff for being an on online site (assuming you’re not in the “clandestine” category), they’re probably secretly waiting to see how well it works for you.

Take some decent pictures – and post them.

You may think that you’re being coy or establishing a sense of mystery by not putting a picture on your profile, but what you’re actually conveying is that you don’t believe that you’re visually compelling.  The alternate interpretation is that you really are hiding, and you don’t want people in the office to know that you’re on an online dating site.  Or perhaps that you don’t want your wife/husband/significant other to know that you’re on an online dating site.  If this is the case, you’re just going to have to deal with being low-traffic, I’m afraid.

Consider that a lot of profiles get passed over first on image and second on content.  When you post your pictures, try to make sure that your lead photo (the profile default) really looks like you and isn’t overly done-up with effects or artistic license.  At the same time, if you have some kind of distinctive fashion feature – glasses, hats, etc – wear them!  The default photo, especially, should strike a good balance between who you are and what makes you interesting.

Your “support photos” (the ones that people see when they actually view your profile) should NOT include your kids.  It’s not that we don’t want to know that you have kids, but there are creepers out there in the world that will exploit them if they have a chance.  Keep your family pictures to a more established and known-safe exchange.  Now, as far as pictures of your pets are concerned… there’s a bit of a divide about this.  Your dog is your best friend, and that’s awesome, but don’t try to get cutesy and show off the pic where you’re getting slipped the tongue.  Very not sexy.  Plus, creepers can exploit that, too.

Definitely show pictures of you taking part in your pastimes.  Sitting on your motorcycle, snowboarding, rock-climbing, and whatever else it is that you day-star dwellers do gives people a good idea of what you’re all about.  Just as a point of reference, though: taxidermy, field-dressing deer, and last Halloween’s cross-dressing hoochie mama outfit might not necessarily get the responses you want.

Now, for the list of Absolute No-Nos and Yes-Yeses:

DO NOT POST PICTURES OF:

• Your schlong.  Show some propriety, even if you’re only out for a lay.  Most sites will delete it anyway.
• Your naked (male) torso.  Unless you have had professional pictures done, you don’t look anywhere near as awesome in the bathroom mirror as you think you do.  Yes, we can see you’ve been working out.  Good for you.  The lighting still sucks.
• Your (female) cleavage.  Yes, that might be a selling point, but we’ve found profiles of ladies looking for a Knight In Shiny Armor, and all they’re showing is their wenchiness.
• Duck lips.  Seriously.  They’re scary and ugly.  Bigger is not better.
• Your wedding.  This brings in the creep factor and begs the question of what you’re really looking for.
• Your former S.O. cut or edited out.  Just get new ones made, man.  Unless you broke up with her last week, we now know that you do not look nearly as awesome as you did back then.
• Angles.  Back in the MySpace days, the Angles were notorious signs of a Visual Challenge.  They’re not artistic, they’re hiding a multitude of body-sins, and when we meet in person, it’s not going to go well.  It is a form of dishonesty.  These are the ones from Up High, sultry from Down Low, tilted around to show the one good body line you think you’ve got… and they are an immediate Red Flag that you are not all that.
• You in sunglasses, hoods, or masks.  Creep factor 12 if we can’t see your eyes.  What are you hiding from again?  Is it your wife or the authorities?

DEFINITELY POST PICTURES OF:

• Your face.  Yes, we want to know what you look like, especially if we’re meeting you in real life.  Standing around a restaurant with a name sign is not a fun time.
• Your hobbies.  Show us that awesome single-gear bike and that fantastic knitted lace throw.
• A fully-clothed body shot.  How tall do you weigh?  Numbers only go so far, so show us where your “plump” is.  Guess what?  A lot of men and women like a little upholstery to bounce on.
• Your smile.  The Number One biggest turn-off when we did a highly unscientific poll of close friends and relatives was the Angry Face, or a complete lack of a Smiling Face.  If you’re such a sour-puss, why does anyone want to hang out with you?  You’re not being sultry, you’re being sulky.

Tune in tomorrow for more fun adventures in getting your profile to work for you!