I get this weird feeling…

It doesn’t come around very often, but I realized what the impetus has been when I start to withdraw from certain types of community:

I despise the feeling that comes from asking a question and getting no response. I’m not sure exactly where this comes from (though I’m sure I could ferret it out if I so desired), but it’s the same kind of grumpy response that also comes from paying attention to someone else’s progress (on things like Twitter or LiveJournal or whatever) and knowing that they have no idea who I am, that they are not “my friend”.

My first thought when I realized this was that it was some kind of personal validation thing, but I’m not sure that’s exactly it. I think I’m offended on some level by imbalance, and I do not suffer imbalanced relationships lightly. When I have asked a question of a community and literally no one response – not even with a “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to answer that, but good luck” – I feel… used.

I think that’s the word I’m looking for. I think that’s why I’ve withdrawn so much from online communities again – people have asked questions, I have answered, but when I ask something of any importance, it’s ignored. Am I asking things that are too “smart” for you? Am I talking over your head? Are you scared to answer the goddamn question?

I’m reaching the point where I’m getting disgusted with humans who cling to the illusion of stupidity. And, yes, I feel like stupidity IS an illusion, an illusion that is chosen in lieu of taking serious responsibility for oneself.

Or maybe I’m just being a grumpy bitch. *shrug*

Dawn Written by:


  1. March 22, 2009

    *Hugs* Do you need a woobie on one of his days off this week?

    • March 22, 2009

      I very well may. <3 Hopefully one of those comes before Nana's check when I have to leave for a week.

  2. March 22, 2009

    I don’t think you’re being a grumpy bitch- I think everyone wants to be heard when they’re asking questions that are important to them. Or to get excited about things that excite them. Me personally, I didn’t feel like I had much of a good answer to your question, though it did make me think. Especially considering the look of dismay I got this morning when I said I was gonna stay at home instead of go out to church. My dad always said church had nothing to do with God or any of the trappings…and I’m glad I know that’s how he felt, cuz I don’t feel so alone feeling that way. That doesn’t quite get at your question, but it’s something that came to mind. I guess for me, I’ve been trapped in the trappings for years, and I find it….an unpleasant memory in a lot of ways.

    But either way, some of us are still here, and still think about you and wonder how you’re doing completely unprompted, and have fond memories of past meetings (or drives to walgreens in wyoming). 🙂
    Might be too little too late, but there it is. 🙂

  3. March 22, 2009

    ummmm…i feel in*cold*herent a bit…
    What i meant was, I think the building, the community,the ritual, the trappings….that’s got nothing to do with God, even though it can be a good thing (hasn’t always been for me, but *can* be)

    Sentence got jumbled up a bit.

    • March 22, 2009

      I totally get what you’re saying. Church and God are not the same thing at all, as different as Religion and Spirituality. (Was that in part inspired by my Twitter post earlier?)

      I think this is coming from a desire in meaningful dialogue. I love teaching classes because we are addressing high ideas with interaction as a requirement. If I ever got to the point where I was teaching publicly, anyone who sat in the back of the room and did not take part in some kind of discussion would definitely not pass.

      There’s supposed to be this cohesion that happens when communities come together, and I think we’ve still got that to a great degree, but for me, if it’s not leading to something deeper (or at least something that requires more brain cells to take part in), I wonder what the point is.

      Disclaimer: I’ve been struggling with bizarre feelings of unpleasantness all week, stemming from clearing out my mother’s room for her move to Ohio, and a lot of weird energy got stirred up. I really hope that the negativity that comes with these thoughts stems from that because I’d hate to crawl back into my misanthropic hole.

      • March 23, 2009

        Yeah that was totally inspired by your post earlier on twitter. That and the shower I had taken this morning getting ready to leave and VISIT the church that I go to and suddenly being struck with a really intense feeling that I shouldn’t go anywhere today.

        I have no idea what caused that feeling, but I listened to it. Coulda been my body asking for a break cuz I haven’t rested much even though I have a cold, cuz I did sleep quite a bit this afternoon which was unexpected…but it felt like something more. That feeling made me contemplate what some people who are stuck in the trappings of legalistic Religion would really hate to hear.
        It’s possible, nay, likely, that just like God could tell you to grow snow peas in Kansas, God could tell you not to go to church too, for some reason.
        And rocks wouldn’t fall on your head either way.
        And, you could have an innate sense of something that’s not necessarily divine in the first place but should still be listened to.

        I still am not sure why I felt so strongly about it, but as soon as I got up and started to get ready, i could NOT shake the feeling that in no way was i to leave today. I thought it was so my grandma would have someone to walk her to her church, but she wanted to walk alone and I could see her, she was fine on her own.
        So no clue.
        And end rant.
        But yeah, your post got me thinking about things. Your twitter.
        Here I was just responding to that from earlier and letting you know people care. 😀
        Cuz I feel the same way often. Heck, I messaged a few friends today and got no responses back at all, and was trying to just push away the “oh crap, that’s lame” feelings.

  4. March 22, 2009

    *hugs* I don’t want it to snow. And no you’re not being grumpy I can totally relate to that feeling at times.

  5. March 23, 2009

    You are such an incredibly intelligent woman, with an amazing gift for insight and using words to their best potential. So often when you post something, my pea brain can’t always tell when you’re just asking a rhetorical question or one that truly needs an answer. And there are so many people who post who know you better; I tend to assume that one of them will give you a better answer.

    Also I’m often reluctant to jump in with something lame because I tend to hang around on the fringe of life and observe because it’s safer. I apologize if I’ve helped in any way to contribute to the deafening silence that you feel sometimes from your posts…

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