I’m so confused…

Thanksgiving was much as it normally is around here – an orchestrated, choreographed dance of cooking, chatting, chilling, and eating. I don’t believe in the middle-of-the-afternoon dinner-serving because that just guarantees that the rest of the day is a complete frustrated mess (i.e. family wants to hang out and chat, except that you [and they, probably] are so stuffed with roasted goodness that it’s all you can do to maintain consciousness). We have an evening dinner, complete with the Blessing Cup, and then we eat, and then we visit. There’s also no pressure to eat as much as you possibly can – just what you want.

As the matriarch, I began our blessing with something like this:

“This has been a very, very long year. It has been a year of loss and grief, of gain and joy. I give thanks for tears, and I give blessings to all here that they may use them well in the coming year.”

That sums it up pretty well. Any more and I would have been utterly useless the rest of the night.

And I’m not being mean about that – there’s just a lot of the nuts-and-bolts emotional and spiritual things that a lot of folks can’t relate to, and they sure as hell don’t want to scroll through it in their friends’ page.

A few nights ago, two of my favorite girls (Shannon and Crystal) kinda had an intervention. They kicked my ass and made it perfectly clear that I need to stop resisting the depression, the pain, the tears… I need to explore them and go through the middle of them and let them transform me.

And it’s not just a case of “oh, you probably need to do this for your own good” kinda thing. It’s more of a “absolutely nothing is going well right now, nothing is working out, and this is not the run-of-the-mill hiccups of life” things. And, to an extent, they’re right. Maybe they see more than I do, but then again, I’m not in touch with anything anymore.

I think I hit on the nature of the problem – to use the shamanistic expression, “my soul’s gone on a walkabout”. This makes so much sense. I haven’t been able to find the World Tree since Toby died. I haven’t been able to do more than passing meditations. I can’t visualize well. I can’t focus. I can’t even do distance work. I can lay hands on, and that’s a good point of reference, and I know I’m doing good, but I can’t always feel it. And that’s not good.

The big problem here is that I’m the only shaman I know, and trying to call back my soul is a little like trying to do surgery on myself: not out-of-the-question impossible, but certainly complicated and dangerous enough that I wouldn’t want to risk it, thanks anyway. Shamans are not the sort of people to advertise, as a general rule, but you never know. Mom’s going to look into some stuff for me.

And until my soul returns, I’m kinda stuck, unable to move in ANY direction. I can’t get a job, I can’t move forward with any of my projects, I can’t write anything worth a shit, I can’t connect with anyone… And that is teh suck.

I guess that’s all I’ve got to say about that. I don’t know what’s going to happen or how, but something’s gotta give soon. Maybe I’ll look into the sweat lodge or something… I don’t know.

Dawn Written by:


  1. November 26, 2005

           If you have the need to talk, I have the time and I am willing to listen – and even if I don’t have the time, I will make the time. It’s important enough to me that if I can help you, I will.

  2. November 27, 2005

    What do I look like, chopped liver? I may not be able to help, but my shoulder is always yours, Heartsmile.


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