Weird problems

I just got back from a massage/energy session. This was with the massuesse I started seeing a couple of years ago, and then I switched over to giving my massages to Joe and seeing my Reiki teacher for massage/energy for the last year. My teacher has suddenly made herself “unavailable”, so I went back to my original lady. I even gave her fair warning about what I needed.

During the session, she noticed a number of things that now have me worried. Although I’ve been through my first and second Reiki attunements, my only functioning chakras seem to be the Throat and Heart – the Crown is closed tight, and everything from my Solar down is shut, including my feet. Her angels even stepped in to help, working a lot around my throat and my arms (plus my feet). I’ve suspected this was the case for some time given my sudden difficulty meditating (progressively getting worse for the last six months until about three weeks ago when I just couldn’t get any energy going at all), but the things that come to mind about what might be causing it are scary and worse…

On one hand, I want to think that all this is just part of the cycles of Gates and such that we’re going through as a planet, and on the other hand, I can’t deny that there might be things going on in my real life that I’m ignoring, for whatever reason. I’ve always worked hard to uncover the truth, to pursue honesty, to act with compassion, but I feel more and more that I’m “fooling myself”… Except, I don’t know what I might be “fooling myself” about.

Here’s the part where I’m taking this here instead of the public. So, if you can read this, please keep it to yourself – I’ll take it to other people when it’s time.

The first thing that came to mind was Joe’s fidelity, and almost immediately, the answer comes back as a “that’s not it”. I chose to invest Trust in him, regardless of his past performance. I believe that making the choice to be married and to be a father is a change that he entered into willingly, even if it sometimes seems like he doesn’t always know how.

The other thing that worries me is the baby. Something in me says that there’s no guarantee that he’ll make it, and that scares me even more. I know the loss of a child, although not necessarily in this sense, but I don’t know if I have it in me to go through it again. I think I just quit smoking, even though I don’t feel like that’s connected, and the sense that there’s nothing I can do about it is the part that scares me the most. I know that there’s a part of me that didn’t want to have another baby, that wanted to have my life back finally, and that same part tells me that it was a moment of nostaglia and sentimentality that brought this one to fruition. At the same time, I feel so glad and satisfied that we’ll be having such a nicely balanced family…

But I don’t want our kids growing up with an Empty Room.

Beyond that, I can’t imagine what I’m ignoring, but then again, that’s the nature of ignoring things. I almost feel like my ego has shut down my self-awareness in favor of awareness of others, but even that is starting to suffer. It’s not suffering a lot, and I think most of what’s been pecked at is just the precognitive sense of someone needing help, but even that can get annoying when I don’t have time to prepare myself for emergencies.

And, again, this is VERY private stuff, so please don’t share it. Maybe I’m being hormonal, and tomorrow everything will be fine, but for right now, I think I need to share my fears.

Dawn Written by:


  1. July 21, 2005

    Just throwing out random thoughts for you to consider:

    Have you broken any promises to anyone?
    Have you been too vocal, or too open to emotional matters?(Just considering the Strong throat and heart)
    Have you felt ignored sexually?
    Have you become distant to your “roots” somehow, and forgotten an important element of your past?
    Have you been tempted by infidelity yourself?
    Or have you denied yourself the possibility of any of these things happening?

    • July 21, 2005

      Broken promises? Nope. I don’t make promises in the first place, and those that I make are important enough to keep.

      Too vocal or emotional? I feel I probably haven’t been vocal enough, nor emotional enough. In fact, I’ve felt more emotionally detached.

      Ignored sexually? Heh… that’s just about standard these days… between Joe’s three jobs, nap schedule, and pressing pregnancy, my sexual needs apparently just aren’t that important. And, unfortunately, I get a guilt-trip lobbed at me for even asking, so it has to be on his schedule.

      Distant roots? Past elements? I can’t imagine so. I have made peace with it, and I pay attention to parts that come back up since they step forward for a reason.

      Infidelity in me? Absolutely not. It’s never even crossed my mind. Even in my last marriage (alcoholic, abusive, infedilitous bastard that he was), the question of cheating on my husband only came up after seven years of abuse when my self-esteem and self-image had been so beaten and bruised that literally the only way I could imagine getting it back into a strong enough place to leave was to validate myself in a short-lived but happy affair.

      I can’t deny the possibility of anything by my nature, hence the semi-open post about it. I can’t think of what it might be, therefore I’m asking for ideas of what it could be from someone else’s intuitive point of view.

      The strong Throat and Heart (and Third Eye, I realized after I posted) indicate to me that these are being worked HARD, but possibly to the exclusion of something else… I still don’t know.

      • July 21, 2005

        The chakras strike me as a canal, water needs to flow. But why are the three chakras that have energy sucking it from the others? Perhaps the problem doesn’t lay where the water isn’t. Are these three you are so strong in taking in so much as to focus on something? Perhaps the lack is deliberate, you chose to shut those things down to focus on something else. Stop. Remember how to breathe. You may just be trying too hard.

        • July 21, 2005

          Again, very good points.

          Yes, the energy flow through the chakras is similar to the flow of water, but the theory of energy also includes the principle that it’s possible for any or all of the chakras to be closed, dimimished, etc. There is no “conservation of energy” in this regard, excepting that when we’re that far diminished, we also tend to leave an aura of very frenetic and staticky energy around us.

          Talking to Mom has helped a lot, though. Perhaps the answer *is* that I’m trying too hard, that I’m trying to do it all myself, and the solution is to ask for a little external help…

  2. July 21, 2005

    *big hugs*
    I’m less than knowledgable about most of this (but slowly learning), but I’m a good listener.

  3. July 21, 2005

    Even with all the crap that’s been going down in my alleged life, you *know* you can always pick up the phone and call me.
    Hey, you are (and have always been) there for me. I can do no less.
    I don’t always have the answers, but my experiences with you have led me to believe that between us, we can pretty much whip the world, when we set our minds to it.
    Besides, let’s not forget *who* was giving you the “energy” lesson. If it’s Tawnya, then I don’t think she was as fully forthright as she could have been. She’s told me some stuff that wasn’t completely true, so I would take what she says with a grain of salt.
    Please don’t let the words of others get in the way of what you already know. You may not have remembered what you know, but it’s all there (did I just confuse the hell out of you?).

    Always with love

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