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Archive for the ‘Personal Life’ Category

A real-life update

13 Mar

I feel like I’ve had to keep so many things close to my vest of late, but now that certain aspects have normalized, I feel a little more free to talk about things.  Part of it has to do with not wanting to tip my hand, and part of it is not wanting to get my (or anyone else’s) hopes up.

So, I’m actively and aggressively looking for more work.  I’m still at Spicy Horse, but now I’m rolled back to just being a Community Manager again.  Honestly, that’s where I’m happiest, even if my first few weeks back at this helm have been marked with a constant barrage of behind-the-scenes work getting our domains free of malware.  (That’s a WHOLE other story that involves our host and some naughty, naughty people.)  If you ever happen over to the American McGee page, that’s where I do most of my updating and writing.  Yes, I know it hasn’t been updated in ages – remember that whole “malware” thing?  Yeah, I’m not going to drive people there too aggressively until I know it’s all handled permanently.

I realized that there is a massive tragedy going on in the corporate world right now.  The value of the Community Manager is grossly underestimated, as evidenced by the pitifully low starting salaries they offer.  I suspect that this is a result of a flurry of companies hiring alleged community managers at the beginning of the trend, not seeing the results they wanted, and then relegating them to a “necessary expense” that they shave off as much as possible.  They saw the results from a few of the companies that had good community managers, thought that a trained monkey could do the job, and then hired… trained monkeys.

Trained monkeys cannot do what I do.  An excellent community manager builds solid relationships with a few key people in the community who support them to the rest of the community.  The company should provide the Community Manager with a modest budget to run contests, membership drives, and give-aways to incite new traffic.  The Community Manager listens to the members, collects the data into reports for the company, negotiates any modifications for the sake of the community, and then delivers the messages back to the community.  They also track traffic and social media metrics, utilize social networks, write fresh content, and bring new information to the community.

Companies do not understand this if they have not had a good experience with a CM in the past.  They look at my salary requirements – $45K to start, with benefits – and they think I’m off my rocker.  If they understood the technical, personal, and organizational skills that go into it (not to mention the time), they wouldn’t think twice and would realize what a deal they’re getting.  But, they don’t.  They associate “telecommute” with “lower overhead” and don’t imagine that anyone couldn’t get on at only $20K a year.

Yeah… not so much.

So, I’ve been investigating sales and marketing jobs, too.  That’s been panning out a little better, and if I somehow end up with a desk job in an office, I’ll still be able to take care of my e-kids from my phone and in the evenings.  (At least, that’s the theory.)

Regardless of my schedule in the future, though, it’s clear that I can’t survive without at least an additional job.  I was barely making it before, and kids are really grumpy when you can’t feed them.  I’ve had a couple of interviews in the last couple of weeks, either of which could potentially turn into something excellent, so we’ll just have to see.  Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

<3

 
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Relationship Status Codes, Part 6: the M-Level Relationship

20 Feb

Barbara Kruger, Pride of appearance from an unexpected angle: "Cindy C., 78," one of Erwin Olaf's mature pin-ups. Copyright 2006 The New York Times Company; Also, I totally want to be that hot when I'm her age. <3

The final chapter in our Relationship Status Codes series brings us to the pinnacle of what, in some way, we’re all expecting in the end (whether we like it or not):

The M-Level Relationship

That can either stand for Mature or for Marriage, depending on your ideal outcome – and for still others, it can mean Monogamy.  Sometimes it’s as simple as premeditated cohabitation, sometimes it’s more formal than that, but the real marker of an M-Level relationship is not so much what you’ve agreed to as it is how you deal with each other.  You count on each other for support – emotional first, maybe financial – and you know you can count on your partner to take out the trash, switch out the laundry, make coffee if they’re the first one up, and be there at the end of the day.  You might fight, but you know not to try to hurt each other with angry words, and you know all of the little triggers that can make each other’s toes curl.  You discuss plans before making them, you inform them immediately when something goes wrong, and you call them first with the best news ever.

An M-Level relationship is a 24-7 commitment, often (but not always) involves breeding, and maybe even includes filing taxes together.  You share everything – good and bad – and you’re in it for the long haul.

Now, here’s the kicker:  Not all marriages (or long-term cohabitations) are M-Level.  Some are Secondaries or even Cs or Hs in disguise.

What really makes an M-Level relationship qualify is maturity.  It’s honesty and clarity, and it’s a strong passionate affinity for each other.  It’s knowing what to compromise on and what to stand firm on, and it’s knowing when you say you’re sorry and when to forgive.

When you’re really in a Secondary despite cohabitation (as an example), you’ll find yourself constantly having to badger your partner for her half of the rent or for actual face-time with him instead of trying to talk around a video game.  Problems that crop up in the household are likely to spark vicious fights, and one or both partners comes out swinging and looking for blood.  There’s an underlying insecurity, a sense of “mistake” or “fear” or “unsure” that undermines what could potentially be an otherwise happy situation.

The hardest kinds of “fake M” to spot, though, are the relationships that “just made sense at the time”.    These are the ones where a couple of kids dated through high school and college, and everyone just expected them to get married.  They’re the ones that resulted from having no better prospects after several casual-ish years together.  They’re the ones where both partners have a laundry list of things that make them a “smart match” but don’t have a whole lot of drive or passion.  If you have a friend who is married – has been married for some years, even – and you’ve never met the spouse despite having been in a variety of social situations together, this might be a “fake M”.  They make disparate plans, they don’t really try to do things together outside of strict obligation, and when you really look at it, their commonalities are scant at best.

There is no right answer for these scenarios.  Sometimes there’s a chance that true love can be kindled in the house they have built together, sometimes not.  Other times, it’s a slow death for both partners who are financially bound to one another and scared of getting screwed over in the divorce.  I’ve even seen situations where they just look at each other from across the breakfast table one morning and agree to part without any sort of hard feelings at all.

The M-Level relationship is something of a Holy Grail for most people because it is the situation that carries you into your autumn and winter years.  It’s the two old folks kissing in the grocery store and buying each other Valentine’s Day candies to share.  It’s a long peaceful night followed by a wistful goodbye as your best friend breathes their last, and enjoying the memories of all of those incredible years spent together, through good times and bad.  Even the times when harsh words were spoken and immediately regretted have a precious sweetness to them.

You can’t have that relationship, no matter how long you’re together, if you can’t start with the basics.  Make sure you’ve chosen to enter into this arrangement with Love in the forefront instead of Fear, and it’ll guide you to the Happily Ever After just fine.

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That might’ve been a little more sentimental than I was expecting, but it was honest, so there you go.  If you need a point of perspective, check out the H-Level relationship, the C-Level relationship, the C4 relationship, the Friend Zone, and the Secondary relationship.

 
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Relationship Status Codes, Part 5: the Secondary Relationship

17 Feb

This is a tough relationship to identify sometimes.  It hangs somewhere between “Casual” and “Serious”, and it often suffers from the “imbalanced concept” problem wherein one partner thinks it’s something that the other partner does not believe.  The main marker, then, is endurance without advancement.  I propose a discussion on…

The Secondary Relationship

You know those people who have those long, drawn-out relationships that never seem to advance?  They date, they have sex, they might even live together, but there’s this sense that it’s never really going to get there.  They seem to have all the pieces to the puzzle at first glance, but often, there’s some kind of spark or something missing.  Maybe one partner is waiting for the other to pop the question, or maybe they’re just comfortable leaving things as they are.

In poly circles, this would be the next most important relationship outside of the core, primary one (also known as the M-Level relationship, which we’ll discuss tomorrow).  Sometimes, people don’t have a primary relationship and just maintain the slightly more casual secondary ones, and it’s not unusual to have more than one secondary relationship.  (The “Secondary” part refers to the level of commitment, not necessarily to an ordinal value.)  Before I go further, let me state explicitly that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a secondary relationship.  If that’s where you’re comfortable, then there should be nothing keeping you in the same place indefinitely, but make sure that your partner is really on the same page.

In a tragically high number of situations, one partner believes that their relationship works great at a secondary level and doesn’t want to move it forward, but their partner instead believes that they’re “doing their time” as a dating couple before moving on to the “married couple” status.  In video game terms, they keep earning more and more experience points, but they never seem to level up.  I’ve even seen people share deep tragedy and trials, support each other through death and loss and illness, and it still never convinces the reluctant partner to make the leap to a formalized commitment.

When the secondary relationship is the only relationship, I’d put a time frame of about two years on it (maybe three, depending on circumstances) before assessing whether or not it’s going to evolve.  If your partner breaks out in hives at the idea of cohabitation and you’re looking for your Happily Ever After, do yourself a big favor and extricate.  On the other hand, if you like having your own level of freedom and never having to worry about the toilet seat being left up (or down) on a daily basis, carry on.

The virtues of the Secondary relationship are many and include aspects such as personal freedom, financial independence, an emotional safety zone, and a mostly guaranteed date on Saturday night without futzing too much with the distractions of the M-Level relationships during the rest of the week.  The downsides, on the other hand, can include a sense of insecurity over not knowing exactly where you stand with a person or turning around after many years in a Secondary relationship and realizing that you might’ve missed some other opportunities that could have led to something more personally satisfying.

Secondary relationships can and have produced offspring, but the post-natal arrangement is one of co-parents rather than partners.  Sometimes a surprise pregnancy can artificially escalate the Secondary into the M-Level, but often this leads to an undercurrent of resentment and anxiety.  The upshot of this is, always put a safety on the love gun when you’re playing straight.

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Get caught up with the first four parts: the H-Level relationship, the C-Level relationship, the C4 relationship, and the Friend Zone.  Tune in next week for our exciting conclusion!

 
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Relationship Status Codes, Part 4: the Friend Zone

16 Feb

As we get into the fourth installment of the Relationship Status Code series, we take a brief respite from traditional committed relationships to discuss a side topic, the Relationship That Never Is.  I present to you a discussion on…

The Friend-Zone

The object of your affection says things like, “You’re going to make someone really happy someday,” or, “You’re such a sweet guy/girl, but…”  Also, you’ll hear, “But I love you like a brother/sister,” and sometimes even, “I don’t love you in that way.”  There are many tragedies about the Friend Zone, but the greatest is that it is well-nigh impossible to ever leave the Friend Zone with a person once you’ve been put there – and even more tragic than that is that some people put themselves there.

In absolute fairness, let me explain exactly WHY you may find yourself put in the FZ by the OOD:  You have most or all of the pieces that the OOD wants in a mate except for the one thing that you probably want more than anything else, the sexual chemistry.  Especially if the OOD is a woman, you’re dealing with a much more narrow range of what she finds attractive than the range of what men find attractive.  The only way to get out of the FZ is to transform yourself physically into something that she does find attractive, which is bad news if she likes tall guys and you’re only 5-foot-4.

As far as the way that some otherwise attractive folks FZ themselves, they want to not come across as threatening or just out lookin’ for the poon (or “chikkens”, as the case may be), they over-sell the “not wanting” and wind up having to be play with Rosie instead of the OOD.  They want to be the mythical “nice guy/gal” that they hear people talk about.  The FZed guys hold a lady’s purse while she’s shopping for underwear he’ll never see.  The FZed girl (also known as “Bro-Zoned”) plays twelve straight hours of co-op Halo: Reach while listening to her OOD complain about his latest ex-girlfriend’s bitchy, lying attitudes.  Again.

The biggest issue with this end of the OOD relationship is that it is, by its nature, dishonest.  The Seeker has desire for the Object but does not openly disclose this usually.  The Object identifies the Seeker as being uninterested in an intimate relationship.  That creates a judgment about the Seeker in the Object’s mind, so when the Seeker comes clean with his/her real intentions, it’s too late for the Object to go back.  Do yourself a big favor and just start off making the “wanna bouncy-bouncy” announcement right at the beginning.  You’ll either get shot down or you’ll score.  If you get shot down, it’s because there’s an honest lack of reciprocated interest.  If you score… hell, man, you scored, and have fun.

Alternately, the Seeker may start off with that honesty, and that’s fantastic.  The Object, however, doesn’t feel the same groove but still sees an opportunity for “fringe benefits” that have nothing to do with mutual respect, communication, or sex.  You know those FZed guys that follow around the crazy-hot chick and do insanely stupid favors for her like carrying her laptop while she’s working on it or the Bro-Zoned chicks who drive across town in the driving rain and sleet to pick up her crush’s girlfriend so that she can drop the girlfriend off at the crush’s house?  Yeah, that’s just plain mean and abusive.  If you find yourself in THAT Friend Zone, tell the Object to take a flying leap.  If you persist in thinking that you’re going to evolve like a Pokemon into an acceptable mate once it’s reached some ridiculously high level of “affection points”, then you may have more than a couple of mental health problems you might want to get checked out.  Srsly.  At this point, there’s a fine line between “hopeless romantic” and “emotionally unstable obsessive”.

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Tomorrow we’ll talk about the Secondary (or Perpetually Stalled) Relationship, and then next week, it’s on to even more juicy stuff.  If you’re just joining us, check out the H-Level Relationship, the C-Level Relationship, and the C4 Relationship, too.

 
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Relationship Status Codes, Part 3: the C4 Relationship

15 Feb

Here’s where the funny and slightly embarrassing stories start coming out.  You know you have them, too.

The C4 Relationship

As in “explosive”, as in “CRAZY”.  This is the relationship style that inspired my personal “3-to-6 month lease” policy.  My experience has been that if someone is going to get irrational or have some kind of weird quirk that renders us fatally incompatible such as a sexual fetish for tuna fish salad or liking to dress up in 1940s British school boy costumes, it’s going to manifest somewhere in that first “salad days” stretch.

The C4 relationship often starts off with enormous amounts of apparent potential, but little things will tip you off that all is not well in Whosville.  It could be little white lies or it could be a casual mention that they don’t feel like they need their lithium anymore.  Sometimes it’s a lot more obvious such as the extensive collection of highly specialized dwarf-on-fish porn or the “replica” collection of every weapon used by real and/or fictitious serial killers ever made.  Everyone has at least one of these types of relationships (some like to collect them), but if you’re lucky, you can get out early with minimal scarring.

A few quick pointers:

  • 95% of dating that starts in a strip club has a high C4 probability.  It’s not that all girls who are dancers are crazy, but being in that world makes them crazy, even if they don’t think so.
  • Neuroses often cannot be spotted unless you’re in their home.  Look for things on shelves in alphabetical order, wear marks around the bathroom grouting from over-cleaning, or stockpiles of toilet paper or canned spaghetti.
  • Yes, crazy-person sex is often bloody incredible, but it can lead to just plain bloody if someone snaps in the middle of coitus.  Plus, it’s considered rather in poor taste to boff someone who very well might be considered legally disabled.
  • Having an issue with recognizing factual aspects of reality such as the moon landing or the fall of the Berlin Wall or the outcome of the American Civil War is probably also not a good sign.
  • Excessive “personal days” from work or school just to sit at home naked with the windows open in -20 degree temperatures is bad.
  • Illicit drug use, excessive alcohol usage, and plenty of rationalizations for either (or both) is definitely up there on the “red flag list”.  Remember: drugs can sometimes make people crazy, but more often they can mask the crazy.
  • Asking someone if they’re crazy is not a sure-fire way to find out – crazy often comes with a hefty dose of denial – but if you ask and they look sheepish or guilty, you might want to explore the question further, possibly while sidling towards an exit.

Me, I dated a short string of weirdoes who had inexplicable faith in the existence of real blood-sucking vampires.  It was a very brief phase but one that left me with more trouble than all the great sex in the world could be worth.  Learn from my fail.

 
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