Nine things I want to say to nine different people (anonymous):
9: The screw job you did on my self-esteem was pretty damn hardcore, but it’s not enough to keep me down. As hard as it was, though, I know it wasn’t personal. I’m not sure which part of what was said seemed like a good idea, but suffice it to say, in the future, just say the nicest thing you can think of in tender moments instead of what appears to be the truth. Seriously. Unless, of course, sabotaging relationships is what you really meant to be about, in which case, carry on.
8: Thank the gods this part is over. While a big part of me wants to say it should have happened years ago, or maybe not happened at all, I know very well that everything worked out exactly as it was meant to. That’s the main comfort of all of it. We can both get on with our lives now, but thanks for the ride.
7: You didn’t reject because anyone else was sick, you rejected because you couldn’t stand to see anyone else happy when you refused to let yourself be. Sorry, but it didn’t escape attention that you freaked out and pushed away when your story was no longer the better one. And on top of that, I won’t be the enabler by perpetuating a lie when you already damn well know the truth.
6: Please, please, stop breaking my heart. I will love you for always and forever, but I want desperately to like you, too. Loving you will not make me put up with your crap, either, because that is not doing you any favors. I want you to be happy and your best, even when that’s not the biggest or brightest. You are not the neuroses you’ve convinced yourself you are, you are so much stronger and bigger than that. If there’s anything I would want to give you, any perspective I’d want to bestow, it’s that.
5: Somewhere in there is the kid you want to be, the one that plays and tells stories and holds hands because you want to and not just because you might wander off into traffic. I can’t wait to see you again, but I’m okay with this now, too.
4: I think I’m ready to say that I forgive you. I’m still not comfortable around you, but I think the past is done and gone for good, and sometimes I even like you. In small doses.
3: That thing? You totally do NOT get that from my side of the family.
2: I try to tell you as often as I can how grateful I am that you’re in my life. You make me crazy sometimes, but I’m most glad that I can call you out – just like you can call me out – and we can get past the momentary crazy and back to taking care of business. I don’t know where I’d be without you, but it would definitely suck a bit more.
1: I love you. I could spend every day for the rest of my life trying to make those words stretch around the meaning of them, and despite knowing that it will never work – that this feeling is just too big, too expansive – I would die happy knowing that I tried and lived my life well through the process. It means that I accept you totally for who and what you are, and that even when I’m mad and even when you do things I don’t like, I still consider your well-being and benefit first, often even before my own. A lot of times before my own. But that’s not a terrible thing because what’s good for you is usually pretty good for me, too. I think that’s how love is supposed to go.
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