It’s Just Stuff

So, more life, more things… I was in a car accident a little bit ago. I was driving Craig’s car, a 2006 Toyota Matrix (fantastic vehicle, by the way), it was raining, and a Person in a Volvo decided that not running a yellow light was more important than checking his surroundings for safety. Even though I was pretty far behind him and going below the speed limit (because it was raining), I slid right into the back of him.

Total crunch job on the front of the car.

We both pull up to the nearest parking lot and exchange information, and the dad gets out of the car and starts complaining about how expensive it is to fix a Volvo.

I look meaningfully at the slightly displaced rubber on his perfectly-fine bumper and then at the engine through the buckled hood on my front end, and I look back at him and make two very important points:

First, everyone was fine. No blood, no injuries beyond my bruised knees (and mild whiplash over the weekend), and he clearly bought a Volvo because he cares about safety. No one was hurt, and that’s the most important thing of all.

Second, man, it’s just stuff.

I think he was a little taken aback by that. I was shaken up and a bit annoyed, but there’s a reason we have insurance, and there’s a reason he got a Volvo, and you can replace cars but not people.

I can’t say if my words changed anything for him long-term, but it certainly seemed to take the wind out of his sails at that moment.

But Is It Though…?

YES. Unequivocally, yes. Is it inconvenient to deal with? Also yes, but there’s a reason for things like car insurance and dash cams. Because, yes, I totally got all of that on the dash cam, and our insurance guy was totally, “Oh, yeah, that’s all on him, you’re good.”

We got the appraiser dude to come out as soon as possible because we absolutely cannot afford to be without a car while caring for a profoundly disabled human, and the guy confirmed officially/unofficially that due to the car’s age and amount of damage, despite having a functioning engine and no leaking, it was going to be considered a total loss.

So, despite the bizarre and ongoing surprise difficulties of the past year creating constant minor drains on savings and capital (the rat problem that led to the insulation replacement, the tree in the backyard needing a serious trim, the tree in the front yard needing to come down, and so forth), Craig still got to buy a (mostly) new car for his 50th birthday.

Everything Happens For a Reason, But Not The Reason You Think

You’ve heard me rail against toxic positivity, and you know that I’m aggressively anti-blow-smoke-up-people’s-asses (even if it would make them feel better for a minute), but there is still a very clear relationship between cause and effect.

The tree in the front yard is a great example of confluence of circumstance. It was a venerable and mighty elm tree, but the original owners planted it way too close to the house. The branches gave us amazing shade in the summer time, but they were also starting to drag on our roof – and then it started creaking uncomfortably loud in the wind storms, and the biggest branch went straight over Daniel’s room.

It was a disaster waiting to happen.

The guy that did the tree cutting was around 40% fucking idiot, but at least nothing fell on the house. I told him not to haul the wood off because I want to use it for art and making furniture and bowls and stuff, and he interpreted that as “fuck off immediately without cleaning up”. (Guess what I’m spending most mornings doing before it gets too hot…?) It’s an ongoing battle, but at least there’s no HOA to worry with.

And also, now we can get solar panels, maybe.

Was the tree destined to come down so that we could get solar panels this year? Oh fuck no, that’s not how it works. It’s serendipitous that the wind was scary enough this spring that we felt taking down the elm was necessary, and the solar panel thing (that we already knew we wanted to do) was just a bonus.

Similarly, I’m not letting the guy that screeched to a halt at the yellow light off the hook just because he inadvertently facilitated Craig getting the exact car he was looking at buying a year ago. That driver still made a mistake, and that is a separate emotional bin from “new car”.

Instead of looking for validation of predetermination or destiny, I would love it so much if people started viewing the concurrent events after an upset or even tragedy as a conscious capacity for adaptation. We have so much control over how we respond to things (not total control, that’s not healthy), and we can make excellent choices in the moment.

I can imagine that the driver and their dad were expecting some kind of KKKaren-esque type engagement when they realized that I’m an “older white lady”. And I’m pretty sure that not living up to that stereotype in any way probably put them off kilter for a minute. And I’m also also mostly certain that defining specifically what the priorities were in the moment – the well-being of the humans, to hell with the cost of repairing the rubber bumper – shifted the narrative even more.

Honestly, I wish things worked like that more often, and I’m kinda proud of myself that I didn’t have a meltdown or freak-out… but, that’s also something that I’ve been reflecting on, and with some beautiful results:

I can say honestly and without hesitation that “it’s only stuff” because the people around me have the same values. At no point in time did I think, “Oh, god, Craig’s gonna kill me” or “I’m in so much trouble.” All I could focus on was letting the family know what was happening and that I was uninjured, and then getting my paperwork together so we could take care of the administrative stuff.

It’s just stuff, but that stuff is pretty cool, too.