This post is inspired by multiple posts and memes on Facebook, and also I’m procrastinating on another major project, and also also I’m kind of grumpy right now for no particular reason – but even at that, nothing on this list is aimed at a specific person. If you DO get pissed off about something on this list, then that means there’s something on here you’re not feeling so solid about and maybe are just flat-out guilty of. I offer you these pieces of wisdom in an attempt to make you uncomfortable and perchance to seek a better way.
(That sounded way more positive than I intended it to be.)
To the people in relationships:
- Telling your Significant Other that one time six months ago that his/her hair looked good does NOT qualify as having the “habit” of paying them compliments. If you want to contribute to their self-esteem and reinforce that you find them attractive, say so frequently. “Frequently” means a few times a week, at least. Why do you care? Because if you don’t mention to your S.O. that there’s something you like about them, they won’t know, then they won’t care about it, then you won’t see it anymore, and then more and more things that you liked about them will get hidden because you were too emotionally passive to open your gob and spit out something nice.
. - If your Significant Other pays you a compliment, bask in their admiration and don’t fucking argue. Seriously. If your boy/girlfriend tells you that he/she really likes that dress, don’t turn around a pop off with how fat it makes your ass look or that they have no taste. Don’t they? Maybe not if they’re still dating a jerk that dismisses their opinions as crap (which is what you just told them by arguing with an honest compliment). And I swear if you turn around and bitch about how they never compliment you after that, I may have to hunt you down and smack you.
. - If you ever, ever, EVER call someone “bae”, you have absolutely no right to be with them ever because that is the laziest fucking word on that goddamned planet, and someone that lazy doesn’t have the energy/motivation to be in a relationship. If it’s too goddamned much trouble to say “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”, or you’re too uncertain about your relationship to define it thus, back away slowly and read a book or enroll in college or something – anything to expand your lexiconical and emotional vocabulary.
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To all the Slacktivists:
- Slacktivism is clicking on “like” or “share” to a post or meme about a problem or issue but not actually doing anything about it. I’m pretty sure we all know what breast cancer is, and how trickle-down economics doesn’t work, and how animals are sometimes treated badly, but I’m fairly certain that pretty much everyone would rather see a post like, “Just got into medical school, going to specialize in cancer research” or “I’m hiring for my new store, starting pay is $15 an hour” or “Hang out with me at the local animal shelter where I volunteer and help rehabilitate abused dogs”. You wanna put THAT in a meme? I’ll totally Like that shit.
. - Here’s a TL;DR version for you: Is your post an actual call to ACTION, as in GET UP OFF THE COUCH/AWAY FROM THE FACEBOOK to do something about the problem? No? Then MAKE an action if you feel so strongly about something.
. - Before you post a link to an article about pretty much anything claiming that Everything You Know Is Wrong, please investigate. Yes, there is a good chance that Everything You Know Is Wrong, but the chances that literally anything else at all could be correct instead is pretty small. It has to be something that makes sense. The internet’s middle name is “disinformation”, seriously. Inter Disinformation Net.
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To the “have sympathy for my disability” people:
- I do not doubt that you have a disability. Seriously, I totally believe you, but unless I’m going into that medical field to research it or I’m living with you or I’m having to accommodate your wheelchair in my car, why are you telling me this? If your question is, “After knowing me a while, do you guys think this could be what I’m suffering from?”, okay… but shouldn’t your doctor or other trusted health professional be giving you that option?
. - I’m sorry, I don’t have sympathy for you. I just wasn’t built with that circuit. I’ll accommodate you when we’re hanging out, I’d love to learn about it, but I figure that’s something you and I should know and discuss in person. If you expect me to learn about it from a shiny meme-level graphic or a dubiously-researched article, you’re SOL.
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To the drama whores:
- Vaguebooking about people who vaguebook is stupid. Stop it.
. - Posting anything negative to your community about someone else – barring “HOLY CRAP THIS GUY IS A TOTAL SERIAL KILLER AND HE’S STANDING RIGHT BEH–” – is kind of immature and childish, not to mention passive-aggressive and shitty. Stop it.
. - Did I mention I don’t have any sympathy? If your S.O. ran off with someone else, if your bestie stole your cash, if you don’t remember what happened last night, if you seriously can’t figure out how those facial tattoos are interfering with your ability to get a job in a corporate office… I’ll be honest, I don’t care. And really, for you, that’s probably a good thing, because if I DID care, I’d probably blast you on the post you’re bitching in about exactly how and why and where you’re fucking up, and no one likes to listen to that. Are you inviting me to comment? Do you really want my advice? See the next line.
. - Don’t be a goddamned Askhole. If you want my advice, take my advice. Don’t ask me for my opinion on a situation and then ignore it. You’ll be wasting my time and essentially communicating to me that you don’t really respect the breadth and width of my experience or wisdom. Did you know that people pay me for my advice? I get paid for that shit. And I’m going to give you some of that gold for free – because you’re my friend – and then you’re going to ignore it? Tell you what, next askhole that crops up in my feed/life is totally getting an invoice.
All this being said, I thought about it, and now I’m wondering what would actually show up in my feed if everyone DID follow this grumpy-assed advice.
Tell ya what, I’ll think on it, and I’ll get back to you in a few days with posts I’d actually like to see.
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