Up In The Air

Last updated on February 12, 2025

The biggest question of my life constantly looms, what do I want to be if I grow up? Part of the reason this is such a huge issue is that as a human in direct physical possession of mammary glands and previously functional gestational equipment, my life has rarely (if ever) been my own.

This is beyond the normal “dudes have privilege” thing because, yes, they do, and whyte dudes especially, but the weight of how much of the female experience is aggressively predicated by what the rest of the community demands from her is sometimes suffocating.

Asterisk: I am not complaining about having a family and taking care of my kids. I love my spawnlings and I would be a very different person altogether if I didn’t have that context in my life – and I don’t think I’d actually be a better person. I make a lot of choices deferring to their safety and security that Mythical Single Me would never have tolerated.

What I’m actually talking about is how I cannot make decisions for my own life without having to prioritize other people’s welfare and well-being before my own, and while that’s fine when it’s your choice, it’s kinda fucked up that it’s the social default for ovarily blessed folx.

But Then… Supporting People

I have many conflicting problems to try to balance out – and, as I’ve mentioned in the past, I mean “problems” in terms of “rational equations that require solutions”, not breast-beating agony – and every goddamned last one of them has been fuckered up by the national events of the last month. (Not even a month! What the fucking even!?!)

I’ve also mentioned before that I have been cursed by a novelty button that I got as a teenager that said, “I Do Many Things Well, None Of Which Generate Income.” Literally the story of my life in so many ways.

The things that I am best at have traditionally not paid fuck-all in any sort of regular way.

The things that I am less great at but more importantly dislike doing are the only things that I could get a job doing (but also, never for as much money as I should because).

And since the pandemic, good luck getting a job or getting paid regularly for literally anything.

Okay, so the next logical answer is to just start one’s own business. Given the toxicity of so many workplaces, that makes a lot of sense, so now the question is, what can I build that’s going to have legs, does good in the world, and generates decent revenue?

… well, seriously, narrow it down.

Did I mention I’m autistic and have ADHD? And I’m polyam? Asking me to pick one thing to do is utter fucking torture.

Solutions? Surely You Jest

You know what? Let’s just play the American Game and go to school and get some degrees and build a reputation through research and experimentation, supporting adults with Needs. And I did that – I have a BA in Psychology and I was about 75% of the way through grad school when…

The fucking university lied and never had any APA certified classes. They were clear that the program wouldn’t lead to licensure, which is fine because there aren’t any programs that do what I do anyway, but I was planning on building those programs – except, there’s no way to fucking work anywhere in psychology unless you have an APA certified degree. So, there’s tens of thousands of dollars and a fuck-ton of time down the fucking drain, and I am now highly educated but technically unqualified to work in the official field of psychology, even just doing research.

I published two books last year – Thiside Vol 1 and Throwback – with the intention of making Thiside at least an ongoing series, because that’s how you generate interest in the indie sphere. And then there are literally (pun intended) half a dozen other stories that I think will do well and people will enjoy.

And then the election happened and all of my creative energy got stuck in Panic Mode.

Well, then I got this brilliant idea to start a soup truck, and there are all kinds of excellent dimensions to it, and it would give me the opportunity to feed so many people, not to mention providing jobs for specific local individuals. It has a great name, a great gimmick, and I can even run the truck on solar power because the soup only has to be kept warm, all the actual cooking is done in the commissary kitchen.

Except, I would definitely have to take out a business loan for this, and the entire goddamned consumer protection part of our entire economy just got wiped off the face of the planet, so there is no way to actually guarantee a non-pernicious financial arrangement – if I could even get one in the first place.

Okay, so how about…

My neurologist overheard me talking to his resident student that I use non-conventional-yet-highly-effective methods for trauma and PTSD treatment, and that led to him pitching to me an idea to use one of his empty offices to see clients. I hemmed and hawed because not a licensed therapist, but what I do (Reiki, EFT, autistic support, some other stuff) doesn’t technically require a license. It’s just a cash-based advisory business, kinda like coaching but with more efficacy and clinical research to support it.

… holy fuck, can this work?!?

Well, I guess we’ll find out. I’m talking to the office manager later this week to figure out the details, but I think that it might tick enough of my boxes that I can devote actual energy to it. I’m imagining both in-office and virtual sessions (gotta set up a private space for that, confidentiality is prime-key), and maybe some group stuff, again both in-person and online.

And I want to maintain as low a digital profile as possible so that the people who need support are safe. You know the people I’m talking about. *stares in queer*

But… What About…

No lie, I have no idea if this is going to work or if it’s just another false start. The things that have directly interfered with my ability to get anything rolling in the past have included not having domestic support for the Kid, the world suddenly getting shut down with a pandemic, people dying, the opportunities actually being a pretense for something far more sinister, dishonest intentions beyond that, and everything going to hell in a hand basket and no one else being capable of dealing with it.

But… I also really need something to work. The shit is about to hit the fan in a very serious and world-shattering way, and even if I’m only able to do this for a few months (maybe a year? please?) with steady business, that will go a long way to filling in a serious gap in resources right now.

Plus, if I can get the online part managed well, I can keep doing it even after we all have to shelter in place again.

No, I will not be expanding on that right now, but it is definitely something that’s coming again.

I love you all. I’m scared, I’m uncertain, and I hate uncertainty (like this). Cross your fingers for me.

Thanks to Rondell Melling from Pixabay for the header image. <3