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Successful Online Dating Part 4: Honesty is sexy

23 Apr

In continuing our series on creating a successful online dating profile, I humbly suggest that you should…

Be really, really honest – but don’t tip your hand too much.

This is the tough one because, again, we’re back to finding a careful balance.  If you think you’re going to enjoy the company of those who really get into naked jello knitting, state that clearly.  If you don’t want a permanent relationship or you are looking for the One and Only – say that.  Yes, either way, you’re going to scare some people off – and that’s the idea.

You’re not on a dating site to appeal to every Tom, Dick, and Harriet out there – you’re on a dating site to find someone with whom you have a lot in common, someone to whom you can really relate.

Going back to our previous points, remember to use your section cues to get the point across.  Your “Self-Summary” tells people who you are and the first brief overview of who you are looking for – and why.  Your “What You’re Looking For” (also known as “Message Me If You…”) is where you really discuss that kind of person that you’re looking for.

Now, here is where it gets tricky:  The key to knowing what to be the most up-front about is to prioritize your interests.  This means that if you’ve water-skied a couple of times, but it’s not the main overwhelming passion of your life, you’d probably not want to mention it.  However, if lake scubaing for pirate treasure takes up a significant portion of your free-time, that is definitely something to mention.  Going to a single science fiction convention thirty years ago does not make you a con-rat, but you can mention that you’d go to many more if you had someone fun to accompany you.

Don’t worry about whether or not the non-geeks or non-gamers or non-jocks or non-crafters or non-whatevers don’t understand the references that you make – they are not your target audience.  The people who do know all about those things are going to read your words and find that commonality!  Those are the people you’re talking to!

The same also goes for describing your past and current relationships as well as your family structure.  If you’re a perpetual bachelor with no children and no intention of marriage, this is something to state right up front.  If someone contacts you and starts making with the googly-eyes over the idea of settling down, you can refer them back to your profile where it says “Permanent Fixtures Need Not Apply”.  On the flip-side, if you’re looking for the One-and-Only, you can state that, too – and that should filter out the yahoos going for the longest consecutive string of one-night stands.

There is a caveat to this.  It is a red flag that can be seen from miles and miles away to discuss your previous marriage or long-term relationship in any detail in your profile.  The red flag that it sends up is that you are definitely not past that experience and that you’re still lugging all that baggage around.  I have seen profiles that read like a divorce journal, complete with broken hearts and bared souls, and while I sometimes do want to message them, I also know that that’s going to open a Pandora’s box.  Yes, it’s normal to start dating again as part of the recovery process, especially if the proceedings were gruesome, but you may be taking yourself out of the running for anything serious.  Likewise, if you’re really only looking for the temporary – and knowingly getting into a “rebound” – you’re still not going to appear appealing to anyone because your potential partner will parse your partiality to the previous partner as preferential.

And we all know, that’s never good.  I call it “living with a ghost”, and it sucks.

Finally, I feel that I need to mention something here about making sure that the level of honesty in your profile fits the dating site you’re on.  If you’re on OkCupid, you can generally be pretty open about almost everything, but the general population is fairly vanilla, so you might want to tone down (or code) your mad passion for getting beaten with strawberry Twizzlers while cross-dressing.  Of course, if you want to find a place where someone will beat you with strawberry Twizzlers (and just about anything else you can think of), I highly recommend FetLife.  If you are pretty pedestrian and vanilla, and/or you have the cash to devote to dating sites, you can try eHarmony or Match.Com.  There are also even more specialized sites such as EsoDates for the psychically/spiritually inclined, and then there’s PunkMatch for the other fringier crowd.  In any of these cases, write your profile to match the community and feel, and express the part of yourself that is appropriate to each of them.

Here’s the thing:  You can’t express yourself as a whole person in only 500 words (give or take).  Most people could have a different profile on each of the sites I’ve listed above, each one saying something completely different, and none of them would be dishonest.  We humans are complex, strange creatures, and summarizing us in a single paragraph is completely impossible.

So don’t do it.  Tell enough about yourself to create a “hook”, to start some interest, to click with someone who likes the same things.  Yes, talk about your nightly strolls with your dog while you count stars through the light pollution, but getting into the mathematical significance of such things is a conversation best had in person.  Show off your funny, prepare a list of your top ten favorite books/authors/musicians/movies/political heroes, and then step back.  Leave yourself something to talk about when someone winks at you because they think you’re cute.

The self-summary essay is not an English assignment, it’s the beginning of a conversation.  That’s why it’s important to make sure that what you say is true.

 
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The Friday Guy: Weiners I have known

20 Apr

I was going to use the “p” word, but I didn’t want to get lumped in with a bunch of dicks.

I was also going to expound upon the brilliant and amazing diversity that men carry around in their pants, but my memories kept going back to what some would consider an incredible tragedy in my life.  (Me, I don’t really see it as a tragedy, more like a “cautionary tale”, but everyone has their opinion.)

I speak of the Dick With A Penis (or DWAP to preserve my typing speed.)

DWAP was a round-about online connection through a non-dating channel, but we seemed to have a great deal in common.  I’m a Buddhist – he is, too!  I love math and science – what a coincidence!  I like tall guys on occasion, and he likes petite ladies.  <voice=”sarcasm”>Wow!</voice>

So, we meet for coffee, and it goes well.  He’s an odd looking duck, but there’s just something about him.  We meet again, and it gets very intense, very quickly.  And then, I get poked in the belly button.  From the outside.  Over the top of his pants.

Seriously, hands down (no pun intended), he had the largest willy I think I’ve ever seen, let alone had personal knowledge of.  And he wasn’t a “pounder” but really knew how to use it delicately, which was good because, as we all know, I am not a big woman.

The problem was that the rest of him was not so well developed.  As the three months of our relationship ran its course, and the NRE wore off to show the true colors of what was going on, we were revealed to be completely incompatible and even totally diametrically opposed.  I’m autodidactic, he believed in university training – but reading a book did not equal education in his eyes.  He was a hell of an artist, but couldn’t wrap his brain around the basic legal facts of copyrights.  He “only smoked out for pain relief”, but did it so often – and then other harder drugs on top of it – that when I questioned his alleged non-addiction, it was a tense and uncomfortable and led to a lot of ongoing defensiveness on his part.

The last straw came when he asked for my tutoring in a subject where he had some weaknesses, and when I wanted to assess his level, it became a pissing match with only one of us pissing.  (Hint: it wasn’t me.)  Words were said, manipulations were attempted, feelings were hurt, personhoods were diminished… and then I said, “Wow, you’re really getting to be a jerk.  I don’t think I’m going to talk to you anymore.  Ever.”

Now, rather than go into the specifics of the “he said, she said,” I’d like to identify where each of us made our mistakes.

My Culpability:

My first error was in not doing my homework and in taking him at face value.  (This is, by the way, why I am such a huge fan of online dating.)  I let myself skip over the “me, too’s” without a whole lot of investigation, mostly because I wanted to believe that he was what he said he was.  This is my biggest stupid and has traditionally been my Achilles heel:  I want so much for the partner to be what they say they are that I ignore the multitudinous red flags and indications that it is not as advertised.

This is not the same thing as saying that every person I’ve had this exchange with is lying.  That’s a slightly different action that comes from a place of specific intention.  Rather, the chemistry between two people amplifies parts of a personality, bringing them to the forefront, and in that blissful “wow we really like each other a lot!” phase, we can forget that these resonances do not make up all of us.

His Culpability:

Probably the greatest weakness that DWAP had was his overestimation of his self-concept and self-awareness.  He loved to accuse me of being surrounded by “Yes-Men” when, not surprisingly, that’s more who he was surrounded by.  And with a carefully designed self-perpetuating system of ego-validation, you’re not going to grow very much.  This meant that me pointing out that his pot/drug use was excessive was met with defensiveness and derision since his other friends said that his pot/drug usage was fine.

The second greatest weakness actually comes not from DWAP himself but from our cultural love-hate relationship with penises.  Men gauge so much of their prowess and self-worth on a factor that is, for all intents and purposes, completely beyond their control.  Yes, you can encourage limited growth with continual use (just as not using it leads to a kind of atrophic shrinkage), and you can modify it with piercings and body-mods, but for the most part, you’re pretty much stuck with what genetics gave you.

And yet, the identification of a man’s worth is tied up in his penis.

I suppose that’s similar to the knee-jerk perception that large-breasted women are better nurturers (not an automatic truth, by the way, and only marginally correlative), but the ultimate practice is that believing that a large penis automatically makes someone a better man somehow relieves his responsibility to actually be a better man.  Whether this awareness is conscious or not does not negate the observed relationship between the two.

The Final Analysis:

There is nothing about this relationship that I miss.  I am grateful that I experienced it, but I am more grateful that it was short.  It helped me realize that I really can spot the bullshit, but that I still needed work on trusting my instincts.  It also showed me that there is such a thing as “too much”, and that even fantastic, exciting sex does not diminish the negative impact of a complete and utter dick.

 

 
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Successful Online Dating Part 3: Break out the verbosity

19 Apr

Our next lesson in building a great online dating profile is:

Don’t skimp on the word count.

This one is tough because some sites do limit how many words/characters you can have in a profile, but that just means that you have to make your words count.  It is not ”clever” or “compelling” to say something like, “I don’t know what to write in these damn things, just ask me if you want to know something.”  In fact, it’s an immediate turn-off for most people because that implies that your level of self-awareness is close to nil.  What you’re really saying there is that you are scared of being yourself because you think that no one will like you.

Here’s a secret about potential relationships:  No matter how weird you are, there is always someone willing to accept you.  The big trick is whether or not you accept yourself.  (We’ll get into this more when we talk about Being Honest.)

So, lay it all out there.  If you like competitive hot dog eating, write it out.  You’ve submitted navel-gazing as an Olympic sport?  List it.  You like pina coladas and walks in the rain? … okay, you might want to save that for later since folks might just think you’re being cheesy, even if you really do like that.  But definitely mention that you are single/married/poly/bi/straight/curious, and definitely-twice mention that you are way into scifi/horror/rom-coms/action/fantasy movies, and definitely-thrice mention that you are interested in bottle caps/comic/movies/books/race cars/Transformers/physics/medicine/fried foods, etc.  What makes you tick?  What kinds of conversations do you have?  What are you looking for – Ms/Mr Right, or Ms/Mr Right-Now, or something in between?

On most sites, there are section cues.  Pay attention to them.  “What I’m Doing With My Life” is where you discuss your profession and school, not where you discuss your favorite hobby of synchronized badminton ballet.  (That’s a Self-Summary statement.)  And responding to “The First Thing People Notice About Me” with, “I don’t know, I’ll ask them,” is a cop-out and a very old, bad joke.  Again, this is an exercise in self-awareness.  Think about the questions, imagine if someone were talking to you on the phone or at an interview.  How would you answer them?  As long as you’re not filling in four hours with, “Um… I don’t know… I guess… um… I could… um… maybe they… um…”, write it down and share it.

And if you can manage it, be funny and/or clever.  I can’t count the profiles I’ve messaged just because the writing was superb and humorous.  Never underestimate the power of making someone laugh.  Sure, you might not be a great match in bed, but when you appreciate someone’s humor and they appreciate yours, you might just get a great friend out of it.

For those that freeze up at the idea of writing an essay, try this:  write it like you would say it.  Pretend that you’re answering these questions to a close friend, and just type out what you would say to them.

Friend: “So, what are you up to these days, Georgie?”

You: “Well, I finally decided to take that job at the airport selling mannequin busts.  It’s head-and-shoulders above what I was doing before.”

Friend: “I heard you were back on the dating scene.  How’s that going?”

You:  ”After the Great Lasagna Explosion of ’11, I’ve decided that Italian women aren’t really for me.  What would be awesome is to find a nice little Chinese lady to settle down with.  Wait… potstickers aren’t naturally volatile, are they?”

See?  That’s much more organic (as in, easy to write and to read) than something like:

“I work with dummies and would like to get married and have dinner that doesn’t blow up.”

Don’t be afraid to share it with your friends.  If they give you guff for being an on online site (assuming you’re not in the “clandestine” category), they’re probably secretly waiting to see how well it works for you.

 
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Successful Online Dating Part 2: Putting your best face forward

18 Apr

The first step in getting the right kind of attention on an online dating site is…

Take some decent pictures – and post them.

You may think that you’re being coy or establishing a sense of mystery by not putting a picture on your profile, but what you’re actually conveying is that you don’t believe that you’re visually compelling.  The alternate interpretation is that you really are hiding, and you don’t want people in the office to know that you’re on an online dating site.  Or perhaps that you don’t want your wife/husband/significant other to know that you’re on an online dating site.  If this is the case, you’re just going to have to deal with being low-traffic, I’m afraid.

Consider that a lot of profiles get passed over first on image and second on content.  When you post your pictures, try to make sure that your lead photo (the profile default) really looks like you and isn’t overly done-up with effects or artistic license.  At the same time, if you have some kind of distinctive fashion feature – glasses, hats, etc – wear them!  The default photo, especially, should strike a good balance between who you are and what makes you interesting.

Your “support photos” (the ones that people see when they actually view your profile) should NOT include your kids.  It’s not that we don’t want to know that you have kids, but there are creepers out there in the world that will exploit them if they have a chance.  Keep your family pictures to a more established and known-safe exchange.  Now, as far as pictures of your pets are concerned… there’s a bit of a divide about this.  Your dog is your best friend, and that’s awesome, but don’t try to get cutesy and show off the pic where you’re getting slipped the tongue.  Very not sexy.  Plus, creepers can exploit that, too.

Definitely show pictures of you taking part in your pastimes.  Sitting on your motorcycle, snowboarding, rock-climbing, and whatever else it is that you day-star dwellers do gives people a good idea of what you’re all about.  Just as a point of reference, though: taxidermy, field-dressing deer, and last Halloween’s cross-dressing hoochie mama outfit might not necessarily get the responses you want.

Now, for the list of Absolute No-Nos and Yes-Yeses:

DO NOT POST PICTURES OF:

  • Your schlong.  Show some propriety, even if you’re only out for a lay.  Most sites will delete it anyway.
  • Your naked (male) torso.  Unless you have had professional pictures done, you don’t look anywhere near as awesome in the bathroom mirror as you think you do.  Yes, we can see you’ve been working out.  Good for you.  The lighting still sucks.
  • Your (female) cleavage.  Yes, that might be a selling point, but we’ve found profiles of ladies looking for a Knight In Shiny Armor, and all they’re showing is their wenchiness.
  • Duck lips.  Seriously.  They’re scary and ugly.  Bigger is not better.
  • Your wedding.  This brings in the creep factor and begs the question of what you’re really looking for.
  • Your former S.O. cut or edited out.  Just get new ones made, man.  Unless you broke up with her last week, we now know that you do not look nearly as awesome as you did back then.
  • Angles.  Back in the MySpace days, the Angles were notorious signs of a Visual Challenge.  They’re not artistic, they’re hiding a multitude of body-sins, and when we meet in person, it’s not going to go well.  It is a form of dishonesty.  These are the ones from Up High, sultry from Down Low, tilted around to show the one good body line you think you’ve got… and they are an immediate Red Flag that you are not all that.
  • You in sunglasses, hoods, or masks.  Creep factor 12 if we can’t see your eyes.  What are you hiding from again?  Is it your wife or the authorities?

DEFINITELY POST PICTURES OF:

  • Your face.  Yes, we want to know what you look like, especially if we’re meeting you in real life.  Standing around a restaurant with a name sign is not a fun time.
  • Your hobbies.  Show us that awesome single-gear bike and that fantastic knitted lace throw.
  • A fully-clothed body shot.  How tall do you weigh?  Numbers only go so far, so show us where your “plump” is.  Guess what?  A lot of men and women like a little upholstery to bounce on.
  • Your smile.  The Number One biggest turn-off when we did a highly unscientific poll of close friends and relatives was the Angry Face, or a complete lack of a Smiling Face.  If you’re such a sour-puss, why does anyone want to hang out with you?  You’re not being sultry, you’re being sulky.

Tune in tomorrow for more fun adventures in getting your profile to work for you!

 
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Successful Online Dating Part 1: Why Online Dating Rocks

17 Apr

I have become even more of a proponent of online dating.  It’s not just that some of the happiest couples I know met online, it’s that it presents a fantastic side-step to the aggravation of trying to date in “real life”.  For a geek like me, I appreciate immensely the practicality of being able to scan through someone’s profile ahead of time to get to the common ground rather than having to go through sometimes painful exchanges across a table in a dimly-lit pub.

I often say that online dating is for two groups of people – those who lack social skills and those who lack social opportunity.  (There’s a third group that lacks both, but that’s a topic for the Friday Guy.)  Me, I (mostly) fall in to the latter category, and I generally try to select for people who also fit there was well.  (I will overlook social graces for the sake of … well, a few things… but that’s another story.)

The “lacks social skills” people are the ones who are generally personable – once you get to know them.  The problem is that in social settings, they freeze up, clam up, or start shouting, completely obliterating the chance to know anything about them.  They are the ones that need a built-in ice-breaker, and this is where the internet is a fantastic thing.  When you connect with someone via an online dating site, the questions and formats are designed to help facilitate the whole “getting to know you” thing.  The ice breaker happens before you ever meet face to face, and if you’re lucky, you’ll arrive at your lunch or dinner date ready to carry on the conversation that you started in IMs or emails.

The “lacks social opportunity” people are folks who just don’t get out much.  That’s not to say that they’re all introverted shut-ins.  Sometimes we they have such incredibly busy schedules that finding a social situation in which to meet people is well-nigh impossible.  Their time is so valuable that the prospect of having to take two or three dates just to figure out if someone is compatible is daunting and unpleasant, and this will keep them off the streets and out of the market, sometimes indefinitely.

There are, of course, plenty of people who overlap these two areas, and that makes online dating even better for them.

The wonder of the internet is that we can easily scan through profiles and find out if someone is worth the effort of getting out of our comfort zones.  On many sites, you can search for keywords or set up filters to show us the folks that are most likely to make it to first base.  And it’s not like we’re just talking about life-long soul mates and wanna-get-married couples.  Those who are in it just for a little fun and games can find what they want, too, without having to worry about the doe-eyed professions of undying love after the first romp in the hay.

Perhaps the most basic description of why online dating is really the best method for meeting people in today’s culture is that it cuts through the torturous crap and limitations of seeking out partnership in a localized environment and opens up whole new ranges of opportunity in places you wouldn’t normally have thought to look.  When we have existing social settings – work, church, school, specific clubs or pubs we like – we’re limited in the kinds of people we’re going to meet, and that means that our potential for growth and being introduced to new things is greatly diminished.  When we meet someone online who likes some of the same things we do, they can introduce us to whole new genres of music or movies we’ve never heard of, and that just makes our experiences as humans richer.

It’s a more efficient and effective way of doing things.  I’m not saying that everyone and their dog needs to get online to date, but I am saying that the pros definitely outweigh the cons.

Over the next few days, stay tuned in because I am going to go over the classic Dos and Don’ts of online dating and how make your profile the kind that gets the best kind of attention – no matter what kind of connection you’re looking for.

 
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