Relationship Status Codes, Part 3: the C4 Relationship

Here’s where the funny and slightly embarrassing stories start coming out.  You know you have them, too.

The C4 Relationship

As in “explosive”, as in “CRAZY”.  This is the relationship style that inspired my personal “3-to-6 month lease” policy.  My experience has been that if someone is going to get irrational or have some kind of weird quirk that renders us fatally incompatible such as a sexual fetish for tuna fish salad or liking to dress up in 1940s British school boy costumes, it’s going to manifest somewhere in that first “salad days” stretch.

The C4 relationship often starts off with enormous amounts of apparent potential, but little things will tip you off that all is not well in Whosville.  It could be little white lies or it could be a casual mention that they don’t feel like they need their lithium anymore.  Sometimes it’s a lot more obvious such as the extensive collection of highly specialized dwarf-on-fish porn or the “replica” collection of every weapon used by real and/or fictitious serial killers ever made.  Everyone has at least one of these types of relationships (some like to collect them), but if you’re lucky, you can get out early with minimal scarring.

A few quick pointers:

• 95% of dating that starts in a strip club has a high C4 probability.  It’s not that all girls who are dancers are crazy, but being in that world makes them crazy, even if they don’t think so.
• Neuroses often cannot be spotted unless you’re in their home.  Look for things on shelves in alphabetical order, wear marks around the bathroom grouting from over-cleaning, or stockpiles of toilet paper or canned spaghetti.
• Yes, crazy-person sex is often bloody incredible, but it can lead to just plain bloody if someone snaps in the middle of coitus.  Plus, it’s considered rather in poor taste to boff someone who very well might be considered legally disabled.
• Having an issue with recognizing factual aspects of reality such as the moon landing or the fall of the Berlin Wall or the outcome of the American Civil War is probably also not a good sign.
• Excessive “personal days” from work or school just to sit at home naked with the windows open in -20 degree temperatures is bad.
• Illicit drug use, excessive alcohol usage, and plenty of rationalizations for either (or both) is definitely up there on the “red flag list”.  Remember: drugs can sometimes make people crazy, but more often they can mask the crazy.
• Asking someone if they’re crazy is not a sure-fire way to find out – crazy often comes with a hefty dose of denial – but if you ask and they look sheepish or guilty, you might want to explore the question further, possibly while sidling towards an exit.

Me, I dated a short string of weirdoes who had inexplicable faith in the existence of real blood-sucking vampires.  It was a very brief phase but one that left me with more trouble than all the great sex in the world could be worth.  Learn from my fail.